Of Sex, Driving, and Shaving

Freeway

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Warning: this will not be my classiest post of all time. Please forgive me.

I tend to have weird and very detailed dreams. In the past they weren’t what I would call happy, quite the opposite in fact, but the last thing I want to do is scare you. And usually when I write down my dreams they come out to be at least five pages long with steady themes, recurring characters, and metaphors. Apparently my subconscious is deep. Hella deep.

But for the past three nights this is all I remember: sex, driving, and shaving.

I understand the reason for the recurring things in my head:

  1. Like all humans, I like sex. Shocking I know, how dare anyone enjoy what’s meant to be enjoyed. Crazy as it may seem, liking sex doesn’t mean I’m sleeping around – that would be highly out of character for me.
  2. I can drive for days, in fact I would be a great trucker, but sadly I don’t fit the flannel stereotype.
  3. And I’ve always been obsessed with shaving. I love having smooth legs and armpits. I shave everyday (every other if I’m feeling lazy).

In my dreams, I don’t know if these things were happening simultaneously, who I was with, or where I was. All I remember is those three things occurred – for the past three nights. Clearly my sleepy subconscious is crying out in desperate need but my awake mind is too focused on the details of day-to-day life to give it any attention.

Now, I mentioned this to a couple of my friends and we instantly started trying to decipher if this would even be possible. Not each individual act, that would be silly, but all three: sex, driving, and shaving – all at the same time.

Throughout my conversations many questions were raised that I simply could not answer without remembering more of my dreams. What kind of car? Where are they shaving? Who is shaving? Are they shaving themselves or the other person? What kind of sex? Straight or gay sex? How fast are they driving?

The general consensus was yes, it would technically be possible but so incredibly dangerous. Possibly the most dangerous thing ever, especially if the road was icy. Then you’re just keeping yourself, um, entertained, till you die.

Some people thought it would be easier for the hetero world, as the male would drive and shave whilst the girl does all the work on top. My issue with that is safety, they are quite clearly doomed as the male would have terrible vision.

Other’s thought the homo world would be easier, as they would do hand things while one drives and the other shaves. Technically the heteros could do that as well but the pleasure would not be mutual for both parties – course, I’m not a male (gay or straight) my opinions not particularly valid in judging this particular category.

My standpoint is that no one should ever do this. EVER! It’s a terrible idea, if by some miracle you don’t die, it will be unbelievably awkward when you reach that stoplight. Or get pulled over by the police, for swerving and failing to maintain the speed limit.

So yeah, please don’t do this.

But if you do, safety first. Make sure the driver can see the road. I don’t know why the shaving can’t wait until the car’s pulled over but I pray the passenger is doing that job. And for the life of me I can’t grasp why the physical needs are so overwhelming that you would be willing to behave like this. But if you absolutely must, be creative, don’t share the seat.

When I jokingly asked my friend if I should blog about this she said, “Yes. Definitely yes. We need more opinions.” And upon more discussions with other friends I got a similar and down right giddy response.

Thus, If you feel bold enough to voice an opinion about the reality of this dream scenario then feel free to make a comment. If you’re shy and don’t want to, I totally understand.

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5 thoughts on “Of Sex, Driving, and Shaving

  1. Sex, Driving and Shaving – sounds like a Nicholson Baker book title. Could be a dream about fulfillment (sex), freedom (driving) and purity/cleanliness (shaving). Or it could be the title of a shock-doc about a subversive Berlin sex-sub-culture. Or perhaps you it was a just one of those mornings, you have an energetic quickie with no time to shave, so you jump in the car to go work and shave en-route!

  2. I think now that we have the question of possibility out of the way, the real questions at hand is “What is the safest area of ones self to shave while driving and having adult fun?”

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