Of Awkward Slow Dances

When I was a freshmen in high school I understood only one thing about sex, a penis and vagina in close proximity leads to a baby. Now, how the baby formed I had no idea. I never took sex ed, I wasn’t a curious child, and I never had the sex talk with my parents. Still haven’t. I wouldn’t figure out how sex worked until my sophomore year when my health teacher demonstrated how to use a tampon on a clear plastic vagina. At which point I had a light bulb kind of moment.

So when I had my first date to Homecoming I was mortified. Truthfully I didn’t want to go with him, but I felt pressured by my friends and at the time I was too nice to say no. I cried for an hour when I got home as my teenage world began to crumble as I panicked about going on a date with a boy. I mean, the last time my family thought I liked someone my brothers wouldn’t let it go. I was preparing myself for crushing embarrassment.

Still when the time came I got ready for the dance. Sadly, I lost the only picture I had but I’ll paint a picture. I was wearing a purple polka dot dress that my mom made with my hair braided across my head like a headband. And he was in a baggy suit that did not have a corsage because I didn’t know that those existed. Making him the only boy at the dance not wearing a flower.

Basically we stood like this:

A re-enactment

Don’t we look cozy?

On the way to the dance we sat far apart from each other in the backseat of his mom’s car, who was blaring Big & Rich. And for dinner he took me to Denny’s. Yes Denny’s, where I’m sure I had some sort of breakfast food.

I don’t remember much about the dance, except for the slow dances. Now as I mentioned earlier I had no knowledge of how making babies worked. So in order to protect my innocence I danced like this:

A reenactment #2

Because I was convinced that if this:

A reenactment #3

Got too close to this:

A reenactment #4

Then he would become aroused, I’d no longer be a virgin, and possibly get pregnant. So for every slow song I danced with my butt sticking way too far out – it was definitely a learning experience.

Needless to say, we never dated.

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