Of Perfect Timing

Clock in Jewelry Box

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To quote Voltaire’s Candide we live in the, “best of all possible worlds.” Now I don’t know how much truth is in that statement, but it’s a hard phrase to argue with. Obviously this is the best world, after all, it’s the only one we got. Thus, it can only be the best.

However, there are choices we make that, in theory, are not the best possible option. For instance how many of us should have been studying one subject and decide that now is the best possible time to learn more about the cast members of Glee, how starfish live, or how to make your own marshmallows? At that point you’re learning, but it’s not the right kind of productivity.

It’s wonderful at the time, it feels like you’re learning. At that moment it doesn’t matter to you that the information you’re consuming is seen as useless to a large portion of society. For you are making the best possible choice, plus, technically you’re learning – it’s just not what you’re supposed to be learning.

I’ve found that the best possible time to write is when I’m supposed to be writing something else. I should be working on cover letters and writing samples, but it feels like a really good time to ramble about perfect timing and post my thoughts on the Internet.

I always want to apply for jobs when I’m supposed to leave for work.

I always want to read a book when I have a different one assigned.

I always want to clean my house when I should be asleep.

I always want ice cream when it’s cold and hot chocolate when it’s warm.

I always want to go shopping when I need to pay my bills.

It’s an endless cycle, but there’s one thing I’ve learned: the best possible time to do something is when you’re supposed to be doing something else, after all, we live in the best of all possible worlds. Therefore, everything we do is for the best.


Of Cleanliness After 3AM

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I am my mother’s daughter. And yes, I’m aware that is a cliché … but cliché’s are a cliché for a reason.

When I stopped by my parents house after work, about 11:30PM, I saw my mother, sitting on the bathroom floor, a bucket full of chemicals by her side, and a wash cloth in her hand – the whole house smelled like original scent Lysol. She had stripped the bathroom of any small items: toothbrushes, candles, shampoo – be gone! It was time to clean, they would be put back later. I walked in when she was already well into the cleaning process, all that was left was scrubbing the floor and rinsing the green chemicals that filled the sink.

Upon arriving at my house my plan was to do a work out video and go to bed around 1 – 1:30AM.

I ended up watching TV, eating pizza, and uploading the epic Muppets soundtrack to my laptop.

Come 3 o’clock I got up to get ready for bed. My bathroom disgusted me – so I decided to clean it. Much like my mother, I sat on the ground with a bucket of chemicals and detail cleaned EVERYTHING possible. Two hours later my mission was complete. My hands still smell like cleaning products despite numerous hand washing’s and lavender lotion.

I’ve always been this way, as has my mother. If we get the urge to clean something or complete a task, we have to do it right then and there or else it may not get done for weeks. This is why a lot of my best school work gets done at midnight or later – at that moment I felt inspired. This is why I at 1AM I’ll start doing the dishes – I know myself, I’ll put it off if I don’t. And it’s why at 5AM I’ll write a blog post about this quirky behavior of mine – clearly, right after cleaning at such a late hour is the prime time to relay what I just did.

But I must say, my bathroom is sparkling.

Of Female Orgasmic Decisions

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There’s a moment in the midst of intimate passion when a female knows whether or not the orgasm is going to happen.

When we’re on, we are ON, and we can go forever. Well, not forever, but certainly for hours …. much MUCH longer than you men out there. No offense. There’s a certain type of longing, that stretches way up inside a woman and makes her body writhe at the mere thought of sex. A desire that no amount of self-pleasure or oral could fix. This is a need that is deep inside and can only be reached by a man or a sex toy. When we feel this we know we will orgasm, and it will be loud and long … unless our partner unfortunately doesn’t, um, hold up. Let us not think bad thoughts, I like to think that most people want their partner to have an unbelievable experience. I know I do.

The female sex drive is largely in the brain. Yes, I might feel an aching need down below but if my brain does not match the vaginal vibe then ultimate satisfaction is not feasible. This is not to say we cannot enjoy ourselves,  just not as much as we could. And when our brain isn’t connecting to what our body longs for, we are faced with a choice.

  1. Fake orgasm – poor choice, I’ve never done it but a know many a lady who has.
  2. Work for it – rarely does this end with success, most likely you’ll end up tired and disappointed.
  3. Stop and finish them off – understandable, perhaps it’s best to give head then cuddle.
  4. Stop completely – a little mean, poor partner left hanging.
  5. Accept and Conquer – there’s nothing quite like holding a collapsed person shortly after sex, to know that you destroyed them, sometimes, given the proper mind-set, this can be quite a lovely feeling.
There’s other smaller choices such as speed up the process, but these are some of the big five.

Of Rappers and Their Demanding Tendencies

Lil Wayne

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Okay, I don’t mind suggestion, but I hate being told what to do. This is true in the work place when they assume I lack the common sense to realize that scrubbing harder will make the caked on food come off quicker — really? Thank you for that enlightening information. And here I thought that daintily brushing it with a daisy would make the particles fly away. No shit!

Or when I’m in class and the professor tells us to read something, and then continually reminds us to read that something while we’re reading it. Yeah, got it the first time. If you’d stop reminding me to keep reading I might actually finish. Sigh. Curses.

Then there’s rappers. In their music videos they are surrounded by scantily clad seemingly “willing and eager” women dancing like whores trying to “please” them. These rappers are the most demanding of all.

“Bend over to the front touch your toes back dat ass up and down and get low.” – Get Low by Lil’ Jon and East Side Boys

“Fill another cup up, feelin’ on your butt what, you don’t even care now …” – Blame it (On the Alcohol) by Jamie Foxx feat. T-Pain

“Open wide I know you’re thirsty, say ahh, say ahh,” – Say Ahh by Trey Songz

“I make her wear nothing but handcuffs and heels.” – Mrs. Officer by Lil’ Wayne

“Let me see that pussy hoe, you can’t leave that pussy closed  … if that condom pop, I ain’t stoppin’ I’m gon come inside.” – Beat That Pussy by Maino

“Shake that ass Ma let me see you hips swing.” – Swing by Savage

“Ay bitch! Wait til you see my dick, Imma beat dat pussy up.” – Wait (The Whisper Song) by Ying Yang Twins

“It’s getting hot in herre, so take off all your clothes.” – Hot in Herre by Nelly

“So gimmie the rhythm and it’ll be off with they clothes, then bend over to the front and touch your toes.” – Yeah by Usher feat. Ludacris and Lil’ Jon

“Pride is what you had baby girl I’m what you have.” – LL Cool J’s verse in All I Have by Jennifer Lopez (thankfully she doesn’t get back together with him)

Despite the misogynist, controlling, demanding, sexist, etc, etc lyrics. These are songs I enjoy dancing to, like, and know most, if not all, the words to. Well, with the exception of Beat That Pussy which I’ve never actually listened to but it has overtly degrading lyrics where a woman is essentially a breathing blow up doll. I stumbled across those lyrics when trying to find the lyrics to Wait (The Whisper Song). Which is one song I didn’t need to hear – EVER – the whispering added a whole new level of creepy. I heard it at a party once and had to stop dancing for a moment, it felt wrong to move sexily to such a horrid song. Forgive me, but I don’t find “beating the pussy” to be an arousing phrase. I might as well be a hole on the wall and not a human being. Hmm not okay.

So, rappers. PLEASE, stop telling me what to do.

If I want to bend over, I will. If I want to get low, I will. If I want to give you head, I will. If I want to shake my ass, I will. If I want to wear just heels, I will. If I want to take off my clothes, I will. But I will never let you “beat” my pussy – make love or sex? Possibly. But never beat.

However, if I’m told to do any of the above I won’t. I have pride, a choice. I’m a fucking woman and this is the 21st century. So why do these lyrics exist? How is this socially acceptable even among some of the more extreme feminists? And why do I choose to listen to them? And how come it’s not till the start using violent phrasing do I stand up say ‘no you can’t say that’? Shouldn’t it be sooner, meaning shouldn’t it be when the objectifying begins?

Even so. Even despite my gracious did he just say that mind-set. These songs probably won’t leave my world anytime soon. Who doesn’t get nostalgic and have the urge to dance when Nelly tells you to start taking off your clothes or when Lil’ Jon tells you to dance down low?