Of My February 14th’s

LOVE

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February 14th has never been a day that I truly cared about. In all honesty, I usually forget about the holiday until it’s actually the day of (maybe the day before). I have exactly four Valentine’s Day’s that stand out in my memory.

  1. My junior year of high school a boy who liked me brought a bouquet of roses to my front door. I accepted them, gave him a quick hug, and retreated back into my house. I was incredibly embarrassed because now I would have to explain how I got flowers to my parents. My family does not frequently discuss dating, hormones, or feelings so he put me in, what I deemed as, a really awkward position.
  2. Two years ago my boyfriend at the time made me dinner. It was a beautiful dinner, I believe there was shrimp and I LOVE shrimp. But when I was on my way to make coffee I broke my French Press. I was so distraught I started crying and I almost let it ruin the dinner.
  3. Last year I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day and my ex-boyfriend came over. Well, intimacy occurred and then we started talking. I was being very honest, explaining how the way he handled things was wrong. I’ll spare you the stupid details. So, then I had a naked man crying in my bed for about an hour… unfortunately that was not the first time he’d cried in my bed. By this point I no longer felt sympathy for his tears. Especially since in this case they weren’t justified.
  4. This year I did nothing for the Day of the Cupid. I went to school, visited my grandparents who made dinner for the whole family, then I went over to Erin’s and watched a “scary” TV show called The River. I still don’t think it was all that scary… they screamed, I laughed, they jumped, I rolled my eyes. That’s usually how it goes when I watch scary programs with other women.

    But the reason why I mark this as one of my four Valentine’s to remember is that while last year I had a naked man crying in my bed, this year I was single and gay. The changes that occurred in a year fascinate me and make this a Valentine’s worth remembering. Maybe next year I’ll have a lady friend, maybe not, at least within this last year I figured out more of who I am. Who knows what I’ll discover by next Valentine’s.

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What I miss is the shoe box Valentine’s that we had in elementary school. Maybe next year I’ll throw a shoe box Valentine’s Day party. Give everybody a sense of nostalgia. But the people who freak out about Valentine’s Day are not invited – they annoy me and I don’t understand them.

Of My TV Obsession

Television

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For a person who loves books, calls herself a writer, and wants to go into mainstream publishing – I sure do watch a lot of TV.

I wish I read more. I really do. I love great prose, strong metaphors, witty language, and surprise endings. I have fellow creative writing friends who will exchange work with me, there’s great joy in being proud of my own and my friends creations. There’s an epic amount of books out there to read and I always devour the free books shelves at the Library. But, what I spend most of my personal entertainment time doing is watching TV.

I like TV. No – I love TV – it’s like a long epic movie where I get to fall in love with the characters. They become like friends or enemies that live in a box. I like bonding with people over shows, introducing people to new shows, discovering new ones, geeking out to Joss Whedon, I like the what happens next feeling from episode to episode.

In TV land I get emotional way easier than I do in real life. I’ll start crying during reality shows, when someone dies, when the new-found love is exciting and wonderful, when people get married, when men cry, when oppressed gay youth get bullied, and when someone is performing and their talent blows me away, pretty much at anything depending on mood.

Normally I’m not a weepy person, and let me clarify that I’m not bawling my eyes out while devouring cookie dough ice-cream, usually it’s nothing more than watery eyes, usually. I’m very good at keeping my emotions in check and ONLY displaying those to whom I select – my fave persons as it were. But I get really obsessed with certain shows, and what can I say, TV world seems to bring out my emotional side.

Of Alexz Johnson

Alexz Johnson

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I have been a devoted fan of the gorgeous Alexz Johnson since she was still on Instant Star. While the Canadian singer’s popularity may have dipped some at the close of the series, her music and style has grown exponentially. Her voice soars with the ability to influence the listeners emotions in a way that most pop artists fail to do.  Her fans have patiently waited as she struggled with Epic Records (who still have control of some of her best music), wrote and released an entirely different album, then revamped it. Recently her music has been appearing on television shows, her name is being twittered. As a die-hard fan I am thrilled that this lovely blond with a powerful voice is finally getting the recognition she deserves.

I could write for hours on her amazingness. Nah, I’d rather show you.

Her ballads leave me speechless.


Voodoo Reloaded Review 

Of Friends With Benefits

No Strings Attached, Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher

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Not long ago I wrote about being friends with ex’s, I reached no particular conclusion. Other than that there is no clear answer. In regards to being friends there isn’t an obvious yes or no. It’s a gray area. Couple by couple basis.

However I would argue that friends with benefits cannot exist.

Former couples and individuals who are attracted to each other can be friends.

And a strictly benefits relationship can be set up, though it is bound to be fruitless and disappointing if you’ve ever experience sex in a love relationship.

But friends with benefits is a guaranteed fail. Emotions, even if slight, are involved. Traditionally the argument is that someone is bound to get hurt. Meaning that one person will want more than the other. While yes this is probably true, in my experience that wasn’t what caused the hurt.

Recently my friends with benefits relationship with my ex came to a crashing halt. Not because he or I was wanting our relationship back. More because of the imbalance we were feeling. There was an emphasis on benefits over friends in our situation which made sex essentially a hit-and-run. And that recurring bang-and-be-gone, is what made both of us feel dirty. Last night, yes Valentine’s day, after cashing in on the benefits we discussed this issue. This led to an heavy but not heated conversation. Just being friend’s is tricky, we have to switch our routine out of the rut we were in an a couple. Because as a couple we weren’t good for each other and arranging benefits was simply our way of subconsciously clinging onto the past. Though he admitted for him it was conscious.

I feel good about the decision we made to stop the benefits. I also don’t feel bad that we continued our sexual relations after we broke up. We joked that we had break-up sex five times. It was part of our transition process, and I think we’re both in a better place now.

Of Brandi Carlile

Brandi Carlile

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A girl with a guitar and some serious talent.

Have you ever listened to an artist for years? Know every word? And actually BOUGHT the music? That’s right bought! Purposefully chose to support this artist.

You love this artist dearly and feel as though you know them. You spend hours singing in the car or in front of a mirror unable to fathom being able to create such beautiful music. In your mind you imagine that you are on stage, singing these words as if your own. Of course, now they do belong to you. The artist has been kind enough to share their music and let you take hold. Time passes and other artists take over as your top played. Then one day you decide to listen to this artist again and suddenly HOLY SHIT!! An emotional chord was struck so intense it practically brought you to tears. It felt as though everything you had been feeling or repressing was thrust to the surface. Explained in a way so perfect there’s nothing more you could say. There was a perfection to the music that you never noticed until that moment. A perfection which try as I might I cannot express in a blog post. It is something that has to be experienced. I encourage all to seek out such an experience – this will mean stepping away from the Top 40 momentarily.

I recently had such a moment with Brandi Carlile, an indie singer from Ravensdale, WA. And I wasn’t able to stop listening to her for three weeks straight. Everything else I owned seemed to fall short in comparison.

Don’t get me wrong I love pop culture. I love Britney Spears, Bad Girls Club, Tabloids, all of it. But there’s something special about finding an artist who has some meat behind their lyrics.

Excerpt from Pride and Joy

I believe this to be true
Nothing sacred nothing new
No one tells you when its time
There are no warnings only signs
And you know that you’re alone
You’re not a child anymore
But you’re still scared
All your mountains turn to rocks
All your oceans turn to drops
They are nothing like you thought
Can’t be something you are not
Life is not a looking glass
Don’t get tangled in your past
Like I am learning not to

This passage mirrors exactly what I’ve been going through. Especially,  in regards to growing up and learning that the beliefs my family enforced were not what was best for me.

That moment of straddling the line dividing a child and adult.

An amazing live performance with not one but TWO cellos! What more could you ask for?

Of a Belly Full of Worry

Worried Belly

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Some people carry their stress or emotions in their neck. Others their back. Their shoulders. Basically behind them.

I, and I assume I’m not alone in this, carry mine in my stomach. Which is super unfortunate. It means that whenever I’m stressed or emotional I get to feel like there’s a massive weight in my stomach, and constantly, but never actually, about to throw up. It’s terribly annoying.

I feel like this now. I have a huge paper to write by tomorrow on analyzing a short story from a marxist perspective. Something I really, I repeat REALLY, don’t want to do. Now I could have started working on this oh say last week, did I??? Nope, I waited until the day before the first draft was due. Thank God it’s the first draft and not the final product, otherwise I’d be sunk. I also have a research proposal due on Tuesday – something else I’ve yet to start that’s bound to be time-consuming.

I’m also feeling more hostile. And based off my recent rollercoaster emotional past, if I’m not careful I could easily slip into depressionland. A place I want to stay far FAR FAR away from. It’s no fun. The total opposite of kicks and giggles.

So why do I keep putting myself in this situation? Why do I constantly do ANYTHING else and avoid my to do list? Why do any of us do that? God damn you procrastination!! Whenever I think I’ve got you under control you always find a way to make my life harder. It’s ironic really – people procrastinate to avoid the hard work only to have to face it with twice sometimes thrice the pressure.

Was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer worth the belly ache?