Of Swimsuit Shopping

Kate Upton Sports Illustrated

Honey, I think you need a bigger size. (Click image to view source).

The last time I went swimsuit shopping, like I need to find a suit pronto style, was back in high school. I’m going to guess I was eighteen (I’m currently twenty-three, you do the math). I bought a basic blue two piece for probably about $24. The next swimsuit I acquired was on a whim. I was twenty-years-old and it was on sale for $3, that’s right, I bought a decent string bikini for three bucks. That’s a steal if I’ve ever seen one.

This evening I ventured out in search of a swimsuit for my day at Wild Waves tomorrow. Purely because I was too lazy to make the 25 minute drive from my parents house to my apartment. I thought, it might be kind of nice to have a new suit. No longer interested in that itsy-bitsy-teenie-weenie-yellow-polka-dot-bikini, I wanted something old-fashioned and classy. Ideally like something you might see in a movie from the 1950s.

50s Swimsui

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I had a shocking revelation. Swimsuits are expensive!!!

Even the shitty ones made of thin nearly see through fabrics and cover maybe three inches of skin. The average swimsuit (regardless of quality) seems to cost about $40. I couldn’t believe it, for a moment I thought about backing out of the day trip tomorrow. I also debated forking out the $20 in gas that it would take to get to my apartment and back. If my mom hadn’t been with me I probably would have backed down, fearful of the expensive prices.

I tried on several suits. What I found is that swimsuit bottoms are incredibly lame. Most of the tops I tried on were cute, but paired with a bottom I instantly looked wide and disproportionate. No wonder women feel insecure about their bodies – all the swimsuits are designed to make us look awkward. I blame the current obsession with showing as much skin as possible at the beach. It’s made for the unfortunate truth that the bottoms don’t rise to a natural place on the body. They end up being somewhere between crotch level and the hip. If they actually reached the hip (or even the waist if the brand was going for the vintage look) I guarantee girls would look prettier in swimsuits.

There was one I did love though. It was pink and rather dress-like. I was almost hesitant to try it on because I knew my friends would get a kick out of me walking around in a swim dress. But you know what? It’s adorable. I looked sexier in this despite that it’s a very modest piece of swimwear – sorry folks, but my ass will not be hanging out for you to gawk at. I felt classic, like I was living in a different time. Who cares if I’ll be the only one in a swim dress. Since when has something like that stopped me? (Um, actually it last stopped me in 2007, fyi). Here, I’ll put a picture below:

Pink Swim Dress

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After much panicking over the cost, and my mom convincing me that it’s actually a good price for a nice quality suit, I ended up spending $50 dollars. To make things better my mom bought me an awesome floppy sun hat, which I fully intend to wear.

For $10 more than it would cost me to get a bikini – I’ll be a classy broad at the water park.

Of Ugly Male Ponytails

Check out this “beautiful” hairstyle.

Ugly Man Ponytail

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I see this style of ponytail on at least three men a week. What I can’t figure out is why this hairstyle is appealing. If you understand or think that this is an attractive look please speak up in the comments section and try to sway my opinion.

From what I gather, these men aren’t actually balding – but they really wish they were. So they took tips from sumo wrestlers, bad comb overs, and Donald Trump. Then proceeded to fashion their hair into a makeshift toupee. The stylish rat-tail dangling towards their neck serving as a whimsical touch. The tail also provides much-needed proof that their hair is not fake should they find the ladies are turned off but their “balding” appearance, and ponytail toupee resting upon their head.

Of the Illusion of Fashion

Me in a Weird Hat

A nice dress and a monster hat on my head? If that’s not fashion forward I don’t know what is.

I’m often told, “only you could pull that off.” It’s a rather trite remark regarding my fashion sense. I dress well, I know this. I wear a lot of dresses, I like to feel pretty, I can’t understand what’s so unusual about that. Typically my casual is regarded as fancy, I’ve spent years building a wardrobe that makes me stand out in the way that I want to be noticed. I don’t want to blend in with the majority of people who surround me with their boring t-shirts and sneakers. But I’m not the only person that could ever pull it off, that’s just silly.

Everyone can dress well, everyone can pull off fancier fashion than say the jeans and hoodies of the general population. It doesn’t have to do with how good you look in nice clothing. Crazy as it is to believe. It has to do with self-esteem and finding clothes that fit not only your body type, which is VERY important, but also match your personality. Fashion is the illusion of confidence.

There’s a reason why some people look good with tattoos and others would just look strange. Why some people can pull off goth, hippie, or vintage clothing. Or why others can manage to dye their hair bright pink and not look like cotton candy. Yet another person does the exact same thing and looks disheveled – and should really hide in a box until their hair goes back to normal. Confidence. If you feel sexy about yourself and in turn your clothing, the vibes that you give off will scream of your attractiveness.

I think Scarlett Johansson said it best, “If you’re comfortable with yourself, then it’s sexy. Maybe people think I look sexy because I feel sexy. I am a very liberated person that way. I’m very comfortable with my sexuality, my body, my face – well, sometimes I’m not comfortable with my face, but it’s stuck there and there’s nothing I can do about it.” Well said, pretty lady, well said.

You can definitely pull that off.

Of Taking Pride in Who You Are

Me in the Sun

Me just hanging out like normal people do.

I’ve said it aloud, I figure it’s time I write it down.

The way I see it (in terms of my talents, intelligence, and physical beauty):

  • I’m not the best
  • I’m not the worst
  • But, I’m better than most

Maybe that’s a conceited way of thinking, maybe it’s a healthy honest mindset, and maybe it’s a little of both.

I really don’t think of myself as cocky. I’m fully aware that there are people who can kick my ass at the things I claim to be good at.

And I will always be honest about what I completely suck at. For instance, sports. It’s a hopeless case, my brain can’t even grasp what to do or the appeal. So how could my body ever manage such a feat as making a basket or hitting something small with an equally small stick. Hopeless.

Plus, I don’t care, I also have essentially no competitive drive. Yeah, um, you really ought not to ask me to play on your team.

But I do care about quality, I have personal standards, and I’ll admit for certain things (personal appearance, work ethic, writing, coffee, etc) they are high. Especially if it’s something that I’m natural at, take for instance, writing. I’m always shocked by how bad some of my fellow creative writing majors are at writing. I can’t believe how many plotless or utterly unoriginal fiction pieces I’ve read. Nor how many wonderful personal stories were written in a way that didn’t do justice to their life experience. There should really be a screening process.

And I like pretty things, I like nice hair, cute dresses, awesome shoes, sexy lingerie. I like to feel pretty and I wish everyone would capitalize on their prettiness potential.

I’m not one of those feminists who think that everyone can be hot as hell. But, I do believe that everyone can look beautiful if they take pride in their appearance and don’t give me that “I don’t care what people think” spiel. Everyone cares, whether they admit it or not, everyone wants people to say, “Wow,” when they walk in a room. Take pride in who you are. Own it.

Of Wishing for Overalls

Love and Other Drugs Screenshot

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A lot of my favorite things still stem from the 1990s. It was the era of “it’s so corny it’s fucking awesome,” and there is one thing I know for certain.

I miss overalls.

Not the boxy, dark blue denim overalls that farmers wear.

But the cute, subtly sexy overalls that seem to only exist in the movies and on television nowadays.

In the 90s it was easy to find cute overalls. But now all that’s left is poorly made jumpers and used ones that have pictures of Tweety Bird or Winnie the Pooh cross stitched on the front. Hmmm … not interested.

Take for instance Anne Hathaway’s wardrobe in the movie Love and Other Drugs. She had a quirky and sexy wardrobe that included what? OVERALLS! Where the hell can I buy those?

Granted they may not be the most figure flattering piece of clothing, but there is something attractive (at least to me) about the way the hang on the body. It’s that I’m fully clothed but my clothes are barely hanging on look.

I mean, just look at her. She’s stunning.

Anne Hathaway Overalls

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