Of “Natural” Yearnings

Love Equality

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Sometimes I’ve found that when people don’t share someone’s sexuality they respond with, “It’s just not natural.” Oye! Why is this still a statement in our society? I’ve come to the realization that those that respond with claims of it’s unnatural simply lack the ability to think outside the binary that they’ve lodged themselves into. For society loves to define people with binaries, and in terms of sexuality there’s only two options: gay or straight. With straight being the “better” of the two boxes. Thus, how could a human even consider making the gay choice? As if a choice was there to be made. Honestly, why would anyone choose the route of prejudice and oppression – that’s just nonsense. However, they can choose to cave into the pressures of their surroundings and deny who they are.

We have gotten better as a human race. Tolerance, acceptance, and equality is where we’re headed – some of us faster than others. Someone’s gaiety is no longer the great scandal it used to be, course, that might not be true depending on where you live. I’m fortunate to live in a liberal part of the country, where my gayness is accepted and not seen as a big ordeal to most people. I feel completely comfortable being who I am around my friends, a luxury that I’m aware not everyone has.

But there’s still people out there who would not be as accepting. Like the ignorant fellow who posted this picture to his blog with the caption declaring that nature demonstrates how homosexuality is not natural or fruitful (I’m paraphrasing):

Homophobic Cartoon

 

I saw this and immediately rolled my eyes. Seriously? You’re defining what’s natural with electronics? How are electronics natural? That makes about much sense as portraits of white Jesus, even though he lived in the Middle East, I guarantee he was not white. Or saying that peanut butter and chocolate are not compatible because they taste different. It’s silly.

For one, electronics are man-made. Two, going along with the plug-in example, I think it’s only fair to point out that there are other electronics that make EVERYTHING in that cartoon compatible – haven’t you ever ran out of outlets while setting up Christmas lights and had to find a way to make the ‘non-compatible’ plug ends work together? Hell, by this logic an extension cord is promoting polygamy.  A sexuality that I’m assuming anyone who agrees with the comic also finds unnatural.

But I still don’t feel the need to insult you. If the blogger who posted that happens to read this, I’m not trying to Internet bully you, your photo was simply the perfect illustration for something I’ve been meaning to write for several months. I think that you’re allowed to believe what you want to believe – I just wish that didn’t have to include insulting people who are different from you, I wish homophobia was a ghost story told around a campfire. I understand the mindset of those that find homosexuality unnatural, for I was raised to believe the same thing. It’s simple – you don’t understand it, and you were taught it was wrong – thus it must be so. If only life were that straightforward.

Here’s what I think about the word natural. Almost everyone is using it wrong. Take for instance polygamous relationships. I’m not polygamous, and I was talking to another non-polygamous friend about multiple partner relationships.

She stated, “It doesn’t seem natural, I can’t imagine being willing to share my boyfriend with someone else.”

I responded, “It’s not natural for you, that doesn’t make it an unnatural act. It’s just not meant for you. But for someone else, it’s completely natural and makes them happy. So natural in fact, that they can’t imagine living any other way. Just like any other sexuality. It’s not about what is and isn’t natural – it’s what natural for you.”

In my opinion, that’s where the heart of all these debates about what’s right and wrong, natural and unnatural, come from. People have a hard time understanding that unnatural for them does not mean unnatural for everyone. The world isn’t that black and white. There’s not two boxes. With one box being superior, and the other a bunch of lost souls, doomed to live a life of darkness and sorrow.

There’s actually no boxes at all – there are people – a wonderful and diverse crowd of fellow humans. We should embrace our differences. After all, God made us all in His image right? Maybe there’s more to God than what’s just in the Bible. Or maybe, we got His message confused. After all, the word of God was penned by man.

To quote The L Word, “If God hates us, then why are we all so sexy?”

Love is Love

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Of Late Night Talks

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Last night I did something I haven’t done in a long time.

It’s been years since I let myself go down that road.

Normally I would feel hypocritical, normally I would become bitter and enraged, declare myself as weak or fake.

This time … this time, it felt okay.

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I can’t remember the last time I prayed. Talking to myself? Working out my issues mentally? Yes. But engaging with an invisible being that may or may not actually be there? No.

I walked away from the church because I firmly believe that you take none of it, or you take all of it. No picking and choosing. No sex followed by prayer. No swearing because you know you can repent later. No declaring someone’s sins as worse than your own – aka, no justifying your actions because well, at least you’re not gay or you’re not as bad as Hitler. Fun fact, Hitler believed in Jesus, believing in Jesus will get you into heaven – do you really want to worship God for all of eternity (which, by the way, sounds super boring. I can only sing Beautiful One by Jeremy Camp so many times) and see Hitler decked out in white next to you? I have very little respect for those who intentionally go against what they claim as their faith or religion, making mistakes – fine, but to intentionally give in to societal pressures because you think you found a loop-hole in the system – no.

At about 5 in the morning that feeling of loneliness started to kick in. I lied in bed, closed my eyes, and said something similar to the following (and yes I do pray this eloquently – I am a pastor’s kid, plus I’m a creative writer, I got practice):

God, it’s becoming more and more clear that I’m quite gay. The thought of a woman excites me more that a man ever has. But I was raised to believe that this was not okay. I also don’t believe it’s a choice. I guess technically I’m pan-sexual, I don’t believe that someone falls in love with a penis or a vagina, they fall in love with what’s above the belt, a person. If a man comes my way and he’s spectacular, great, if a woman does, also great. I can’t grasp that I would be vetoed from heaven because of who you brought into my life to love. I can’t believe that you’re that cold and heartless.

I left the church because they put you in a box. The human race has created rules that supposedly tell us how to worship this energy that surrounds us, how to govern our life, how to do this, how to do that, and who to love. I have to wonder how many of these rules are cultural, I mean, obviously now it’s okay to wear mixed fibers, braid our hair, and decorate ourselves in jewelry. And we no longer marry multiple spouses or sacrifice animals.

I’m going to love whoever you bring me, man or woman – I’m hoping woman. I don’t want to put you in a box, I think that if you are a you, or if you are just an energy in the sky, that you are a loving energy that won’t foul us on who we end up loving, if we swear, if we drink, or if we have sex out of marriage.

I was hoping that this would reach a conclusion in the end. It’s the creative writer in me, I crave a solid ending. I guess not.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

I did feel a bit of that warmth that I used to feel from God. I felt like I was accepted, that God didn’t hate the way I was living my life, closure. I’m not going to start going to church again. I don’t want to go back to that world where God is wrapped up in a to-go box and everyone tells you how to live. That’s not what this was about. This was about finally being able to confront my past while also embracing my future. I was taught that if something is on your chest, pray about it, and I finally did that without feeling like a weak person. I’ve finally moved on from my issues with religion, enough time has passed, the wound is now a scar – a weight has been lifted, and I feel like God or whoever/whatever I was talking to is supportive of me in where I’m heading. My parents may not agree, but, I can’t do much about that.

Of Zero Panties

Zero Panties

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I was at the ER the other day because of my knee. Nothings broken I just have to wear a knee immobilizer temporarily.

While waiting I pulled a small notebook out of my purse. Back when I lived with my parents my friend Christina and I would pass notes via this notebook during church. This is the last thing written in the book – in my handwriting.

“It feels wrong accepting communion sans underwear hahaha”

Not exactly the most appropriate place to not wear any panties.

Damn I’m a good pastor’s kid.

Of Being a Liar

Liar Word/Face

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For years I’ve been a liar. Not to everybody, just those of authority (bosses, teachers, etc.)  and my family. To the figures of authority I’ll make up why I’m late or not showing up to work, I’ll exaggerate details or even make some up to strengthen my side of a story, I’ll deny petty things that I think don’t matter. To my family I put on a new face. A good face. The face that I think they want me to have – a Christian face.

Being raised a pastors kid certain choices and beliefs were made for me before I was born: live for Jesus, don’t swear, maintain purity and innocence, marry a Christian man, be a witness, the list goes on. The majority of my life I’ve lived in a naive ignorant bubble – unaware of much of the world outside Christianity until I was nearly an adult. Once that bubble popped I quickly realized that I cannot and don’t want to be the girl my family desires. I also knew that informing them of my revelation would be the same as saying “Hey Mom and Dad, your only daughter is going to Hell.” So I did what any rebellious child would do, I lied.

I got very comfortable when lying, and I was good at it. To be a good liar is simple: don’t over complicate your tale, use bits of the truth for credibility, don’t ever admit to fibbing, and if possible temporarily convince yourself that you’re either telling the truth or are correct.

I lied until I was nearing the point of insanity. Frustration towards my family, organized religion, and the Bible brewed inside of me. I feared what they would think if I let them see the version of me that I liked best.  My friends got used to the occasional religion rant, often they chimed in agreement. My boyfriend at the time got used to me complaining about how religion fucked with me. He encouraged me to tell the truth – my friends did not.

Even with superb lying skills I reached my breaking point … this evening actually. Note: not because of my ex-boyfriend, though I am curious how me being honest with my family would have influenced our relationship.

So now my mom knows that I believe in God but have no desire to become involved in the church. She told me she was devastated, that I was throwing away everything, that the devil was devouring me, that she had sensed the lack of spirituality in me, and several stories about her God experiences. But she’s going to think of me with mercy. Eventually I had to stop her preaching. For I have heard it all before and was aware that if I were to say how I feel or think about most things she would listen with an ear of disappointment, there was no chance that she would even consider that I was right. And that’s what I hate about those type of conversations, the preacher never considers adjusting their beliefs. Never.

People say that the truth will set you free. Well, the truth also sucks. The truth in my situation gave me a 70% chance of sermon when in the presence of family. Which I consider rude and disrespectful of me and my valid opinions. Still, I’m glad I finally told the truth, at least I’ve opened the door towards a real, even if uncomfortable, relationship with my family.