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The clock struck one and my heart was heavy. Like Cinderella was at midnight, my world was suddenly tainted, lesser than what it was the moment before. I was filled with a sadness, a loneliness, a need to be around a someone. Not people, not family, someone. Problem is, I don’t have a someone. Friends would do but it wouldn’t be the same, plus let me repeat that it was one in the morning, no sane person would go visit a friend because they felt a little down in a less than severe way.
A couple hours later and I’m still that way. I would not describe my emotions as depressed or desperate. I would describe myself as yearning for something but nothing surrounds me. No people, no activity, not even an inkling of opportunity of emotional distraction to pull me out of myself.
I’m trapped in my mindset trying to not dwell on thoughts that I’m not even having, feelings that I wasn’t feeling to begin with, basically trying to avoid the craters that my brain occasionally forms out of boredom.
There is a song by Ani DiFranco, who is one of my favorite musicians and poets, entitled Recoil from the album Knuckle Down. The first time I heard that song I thought yes, exactly, it’s so simply put, that is how I feel right now. The song is about more than loneliness, it’s about time, needs, purpose, longing, struggle, oh there are so many layers. The song speaks to where ever your heart is. For me it’s largely about the impact of life, opening oneself up, honesty, coping with being alone.
My current emotion (and this entire post for that matter) can be summed up by one of her sentences “Probably just need to be held, that’s probably all it is.” So simple, so eloquent, so beautiful. God, I love her.
Below is a video of her performing the song I’ve been talking about and a portion of the lyrics:
I recoil from all my friends
And then I’m in misery
Been so long since I’ve been held
Really since I was his
Probably just need to be held
That’s probably all it is
To all the people out there tonight
Who are comforting themselves
If you should happen to see my light
You can stop and ring my bell
I’m just sittin here in this sty
Strewn with half written songs
Taking one breath at a time
Nothin much going on
Nothin much going on