Of Tuesday Tunes – One Last Night by Vaults

My song of the week is One Last Night by Vaults.

This is one of those deceptively sad songs. It’s a power ballad with a pop beat, but it’s about losing someone and yearning to spend just one more night with them – even if it’s all a fantasy. See? Sad. Either that or the apocalypse is happening and they literally won’t see tomorrow.

One Last Night is beautiful, my favorite thing about the song is the violins that are woven in with the chorus. They bring the sorrow and longing that’s in the lyrics to the orchestration of the song. And it’s lovely.

Favorite lyric: “Ghosts and silhouettes, they take a piece of me they want it all. Oh but to wait in an empty room, with the feeling that is closing in.”

Of Tuesday Tunes – Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding

My song of the week is Love Me Like You Do by Ellie Goulding. Sorry it’s Wednesday, Tuesday somehow slipped right passed me this week.

Ellie Goulding is the master of the powerful kick, she knows how to build a song, when to pull back, and when to heighten the energy. Through the use of layered voices to create the feeling of a choir she’s able to create a festive atmosphere that is completely captivating.

I love this song. While the lyrics aren’t the most earth shattering and they’re intentionally repetitive, it’s a fun song that makes me want to move, dance, and be in love – which is fine by me.

Favorite Lyric: “I’ll let you set the pace, cause I’m not thinking straight, my head spinning around I can’t see clear no more. What are you waiting for?”

Of Tuesday Tunes – #GetItRight by Miley Cyrus

My song of the week is #GetItRight by Miley Cyrus – and yes, there really is a hashtag in the song title.

#GetItRight is a super catchy, uptempo, and happy pop song. The song is about sex, but in a cute way. Maybe it’s because of the joyful whistling in the background, but when I hear this song I think of new love and lust. This song has the vibe of those giddy butterflies.

It’s a cute little ditty, enjoy!

Favorite Lyric: “You’re sexy sexy, I got things I want to do to you. Make me make me, make my tongue just go do do do.”

Of Beauty From Illness

Dakota Fanning

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When difficult times arise, the core essence of who we are comes out. With my family, it all came down to love. It glimmered around us like our own private rainbow. For as the tulips began to bloom in the spring, my grandma started to fade. Her body attacked by bacteria on her pacemaker and seeped into her blood.

I would describe Grandma’s love as fierce, a powerful force driven by her love for Jesus and the genuine desire to ensure that her family is taken care of. She has this ability to know if I need something, whether it’s a few bucks for gas or a toothbrush, she’s always looked out for me. A practical love.

I went to visit her during my lunch break. I was expecting her to be like sick people in movies, suffering but still coherent, with a good chance that they’ll be okay in a week or so.  When I walked in the hospital room, she was being spoon fed by Grandpa, her fever so high that even being fed like a child was difficult. Her forehead was sticky as I kissed her. I’d never seen her vulnerable, and to me, that was the hardest part. I tried to hold myself together, tears threatening to pour from my eyes. I got up to wash my hands, checked my watch, tried as I could to not completely breakdown in the room. For my struggling was not what mattered, we were there for Grandma, but we needed to be supportive for Grandpa.

In the way that Grandma is fierce, Grandpa is sweet. From the glimmer in his smile, to the way he hugs you like he’s never seen anyone so wonderful, Grandpa is without question one of the cutest people to ever grace this planet. He’s gentle, caring, and truly kind.  He’s so humble that I don’t think he’s ever realized the effect that he has on the people in a room, for I’ve never met anyone else like him.

Watching Grandpa look over Grandma, he’s sweet nature shining in his eyes, was possibly more heart-wrenching than watching Grandma suffer in her bed. But I can honestly say, I don’t think I ever witnessed the power of love until I watched them in the hospital room. People always think they know what love is, usually defining it by putting someone else first, compatibility, and the willingness to work through difficult times. All of this is true, however, understanding that you may never see your partner again, and doing everything you can to ease their pain and tell them how wonderful they are – that’s love in the rawest form.

There was something beautiful about how my family functioned. Our personal lives were put aside with the understanding that Grandma and Grandpa came first. We gathered around Grandma every day, ate our lunches in the hospital cafeteria, did what we could to help – which was essentially just to be there. We were all hopeful that the operation to remove the bacteria ridden pacemaker would go smoothly, but we also understood that this could possibly be the end of Grandma’s time on this Earth.

When I got the word that Grandma made it through the surgery, I took the first real breath I’d had in days. I was crying and laughing, the walls of trying to maintain composure finally cracking. Though sadly, we weren’t through the worst of it, at least, not yet.

Grandma’s fever was still on the rise, making her uncomfortable and delirious. I went to visit her on a particularly bad evening; she tossed and turned, groaning in agony, trying to rip her temporary external pacemaker off her body as it sat uncomfortably on her chest. It took an hour or so for her fever to drop enough that she could open her eyes and see me. If there was ever a time that it would be totally acceptable for someone to be selfish, it would be then. But she looked at me, told me how precious I was, and informed me that she had leggings for me back at the house.

Grandma’s true character is selfless. She barely complained, whenever she was coherent she would make sure that we were all well fed, she’d talk about her beautiful family, and how she doesn’t know what she’d do without us.

Now it seems like Grandma is through the worst of it, however, she’s still gonna be in the hospital for at least a month as they wait for the bacteria to completely leave her system. But even through the hardest times, the one thing that really stood out was how much my family loves each other.

And I’m not just being biased, even the doctor’s made comments.

Up! Movie

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Of Always the Entertainer

“Let me entertain you, let me make you smile.” – Gypsy, Stephen Sondheim

Nicolas Cafe Valentine

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Valentine’s Day is the ultimate holiday of emotional abuse – at least, commercially. It’s the day that puts extreme pressure on those in a relationship whilst beating up the singletons with an emotional whip. No matter where you are in your love life – Valentine’s Day is gonna get you. It’s essentially the sniper of holidays.

As a single person, there are two types of advertisements that are geared in my direction:

  1. You are a strong independent female, you don’t need a man, not like those other weak girls with boyfriends. Pssh! Girl power!
  2. You are clearly desperate, lonely, and in need of some good lovin’. Here’s how to power through the day until your sad soul finds a man to make you complete.

The common thread here? Men are awful, BUT you kinda need one to be your best self. Not only do I not relate to these male focused ads because I’m a lesbian, but also because I disagree with HOW the men are supposed to function. They are either dooming the women, by making them be less than they are. Or they’ll rescuing the women, by pulling them out of their despair and into the light. Neither seems like a healthy start to a relationship, at least, not to me.

Here’s what I want in a partner: someone who will put on a show with me.
Silly, simple, and slightly nonsensical isn’t it?

I find that because I have a loud personality, a lot of the dates I go on feel like a performance. Which is not a fun feeling. I don’t enjoying having to interview someone in order to have a conversation.

In short, it often feels like this:

The women I’ve truly been smitten by have put on a show with me. The conversation flows easily and it’s clear that this person wouldn’t pull me down, nor life me up, they’d meet me in the middle.

Which, in my opinion, is how it should work. Of course people will have their ups and downs – that’s just common sense. But if you’re gonna be with someone, they should be your equal. Not your savior or your baggage.

So to the currently yoked people.

  • Ignore the advertisements, you don’t need to spend a thousand dollars or whisk your partner away to paradise island. Just spend the evening together and dim the lights.

To the single people.

  • If you’re struggling, call your friends and celebrate yourselves. Bake something, play a game, build a fort, and just have fun.
  • If you’re not struggling, then you already know what to do. 🙂

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Of Writing Muscles

I haven’t written a plot driven story, poem, limerick, or really anything since I graduated. And it’s already been a year and a half since that momentous event occurred.

Recently I discovered that while my ability to ramble has not faded, my fiction muscles were defiantly out of shape.

When I first sat down at my laptop I was ready to kick ass. After all, in the past I’ve written fantastic stories on two hours of sleep and within extreme time constraints. So obviously this was gonna go well:

Anchorman - Big Deal

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The first draft was nothing more than shitty dialogue. No imagery, limited movement, and hardly even a purpose. It was deleted.

So I decided it was best to start over. Now that the initial creative process kinks were out-of-the-way it was just a matter of accomplishing the task at hand:

Anchorman - Fight

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The second draft was much better, but not improved enough to make me say, “Good job self.” Most of this version will be deleted.

Now I’m embarking on draft three. If all goes well, this draft will be on par with the stories I wrote when I had only an hour to throw together a 2-5 page exercise to discuss during class. At this phase it feels a bit chaotic. However, now I’m invested, and turning back to the la-de-da world of binge watching Netflix is no longer an option. Sadly, this draft will most likely also join the scrap heap:

Anchorman - Regret Decision

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By draft four, maybe just maybe, it might be good enough to share with the internet. Because if by the fourth draft I still haven’t got my writing muscles back into shape, that would be a true travesty:

Anchorman - Glass Cage

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I think what I need is a writing group to keep me accountable. Whether they be strangers via the online universe, or people I may or may not know who live nearby. I need someone to give me a deadline and a reason to stare a computer for hours a day. Initially I will hate them for making me enter the treacherous love/hate world of writing. But when I finally have a tangible (and awesome) story that I can hand to a group for discussion, all I’ll be able to say is:

Anchorman - Love You

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They say that, “You’re always your worst critic,” but I’ve always thought I was decently awesome. So if I say it sucks, trust me when I say it’s a shitfest that’s not ready to be viewed by anyone. However, when my writing is once again impressive …. I shall show it everyone:

Anchorman - Jump for Joy

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Of Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Girlfriends

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I’d love to be with you, but you don’t know that.

Or maybe you do, but you aren’t willing to talk about us.

So I sit.

I sit cause making a move is dangerous.

I sit cause I’m waiting for you to acknowledge or deny me.

I sit cause I’m a wimp.

I sit cause the timing is never right.

I sit cause I am a bystander in my own life.

You’ll never be mine. We could be a disaster. Hell, we could be great.

But we’ll never know.

———-

I guess it’s time for me to stand up.

Of Awkward Ex Encounters

Ex Couple

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Okay, so we all have ex’s. Or at least, most of us do.

  • With some, the relationship ended amicably and you remain close buds.
  • With others, the end was so dramatic that seeing their face still brings extreme sadness to your soul.
  • With a select few, there’s no emotional pull at all. Being around them is akin to standing in a room of strangers. Just this stranger, you happen to have been intimate with momentarily.
  • With most, one of you is more hurt than the other, more attached, more likely to sit there and pine over the thought of, “What if?” A very dangerous question, mind you.

Everyone has ex stories, and I would love to hear all of them. Seriously, post them in the comment section, I will read each and every tale of lost love. I don’t care if you wish to share a story from when you were together or after you parted – I just love a good story, Hell, I even love a bad story on occasion.

Here, I’ll go first:

Recently the only man I’ve ever dated contacted me. And I think it’s important to clarify that we broke up over two years ago. That we were not a happy couple. Also, that I can’t remember the last time we had a conversation.

Anyways …

The situation was the sort of predicament that everyone wants to avoid – a former lover declaring that they miss them and want them back. And then, to inform you that they can’t afford to eat because they call out of work in efforts to avoid you.

Seriously? Don’t blame me for your hunger. 

Little is more uncomfortable than having someone you’d rather not talk with, cry about you over the phone.

But I was very polite, making grand statements like, “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do to make you feel better.”

Then I got a handful of text messages. Granted it’s not seventy messages in two days like a different situation of mine (but that’s a whole different story – if you want to hear it, please let me know).

The first basically said, “What if I stop picking my fingernails?” – Huh? I don’t remember that being a problem.

The second asked me to think about what I’d done. Said, “It was nice to hear your voice the way that I remember it,” and urged me to take a couple of days to get back to him with why we can’t be together – Yeah, I’m not gonna do that. I think it’s VERY VERY obvious why I don’t want to date you again.

And the last accused me of rudely texting him in Spanish – I don’t even know Spanish. 

So there’s my most recent story. While my current dating life is quite stale, so much so that it’s borderline pathetic. It seems my past wanted to stir up the unwanted drama in my life.

Which is just … annoying.

Okay, now would you be so kind as to tell me a story?

Of Pretty Friends

Friends

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I’ve always said, “I don’t have ugly friends. Well, I had one once, and it didn’t end well”.

Most people find this flattering or humorous. After all, I certainly don’t mean any malice towards my fellow humans.  But every now and then, someone reacts with a bitch-are-you-serious stare. Or instantly launches into a verbal judgment of me – assuming shallowness and other unpleasant personality traits.

Okay, I get it, you are easily offended and wish that everyone was treated with love at all times  – and in an ideal world, everyone is. I respect that. But here’s my question, dear person who jumps down my throat, do you find your friends ugly?

Honestly, it’s a fun reverse, because no one ever says no. And I would hope not.

It’s not about being shallow or only caring about how you and your posse appear to the masses. You should find your friends beautiful. Granted some might be more physically striking than others. Or soul-wise more stunning. But ultimately, unless you’re one of those people that surround yourself with others you think of as ugly to make yourself feel good – your friends are most likely attractive.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Of “Natural” Yearnings

Love Equality

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Sometimes I’ve found that when people don’t share someone’s sexuality they respond with, “It’s just not natural.” Oye! Why is this still a statement in our society? I’ve come to the realization that those that respond with claims of it’s unnatural simply lack the ability to think outside the binary that they’ve lodged themselves into. For society loves to define people with binaries, and in terms of sexuality there’s only two options: gay or straight. With straight being the “better” of the two boxes. Thus, how could a human even consider making the gay choice? As if a choice was there to be made. Honestly, why would anyone choose the route of prejudice and oppression – that’s just nonsense. However, they can choose to cave into the pressures of their surroundings and deny who they are.

We have gotten better as a human race. Tolerance, acceptance, and equality is where we’re headed – some of us faster than others. Someone’s gaiety is no longer the great scandal it used to be, course, that might not be true depending on where you live. I’m fortunate to live in a liberal part of the country, where my gayness is accepted and not seen as a big ordeal to most people. I feel completely comfortable being who I am around my friends, a luxury that I’m aware not everyone has.

But there’s still people out there who would not be as accepting. Like the ignorant fellow who posted this picture to his blog with the caption declaring that nature demonstrates how homosexuality is not natural or fruitful (I’m paraphrasing):

Homophobic Cartoon

 

I saw this and immediately rolled my eyes. Seriously? You’re defining what’s natural with electronics? How are electronics natural? That makes about much sense as portraits of white Jesus, even though he lived in the Middle East, I guarantee he was not white. Or saying that peanut butter and chocolate are not compatible because they taste different. It’s silly.

For one, electronics are man-made. Two, going along with the plug-in example, I think it’s only fair to point out that there are other electronics that make EVERYTHING in that cartoon compatible – haven’t you ever ran out of outlets while setting up Christmas lights and had to find a way to make the ‘non-compatible’ plug ends work together? Hell, by this logic an extension cord is promoting polygamy.  A sexuality that I’m assuming anyone who agrees with the comic also finds unnatural.

But I still don’t feel the need to insult you. If the blogger who posted that happens to read this, I’m not trying to Internet bully you, your photo was simply the perfect illustration for something I’ve been meaning to write for several months. I think that you’re allowed to believe what you want to believe – I just wish that didn’t have to include insulting people who are different from you, I wish homophobia was a ghost story told around a campfire. I understand the mindset of those that find homosexuality unnatural, for I was raised to believe the same thing. It’s simple – you don’t understand it, and you were taught it was wrong – thus it must be so. If only life were that straightforward.

Here’s what I think about the word natural. Almost everyone is using it wrong. Take for instance polygamous relationships. I’m not polygamous, and I was talking to another non-polygamous friend about multiple partner relationships.

She stated, “It doesn’t seem natural, I can’t imagine being willing to share my boyfriend with someone else.”

I responded, “It’s not natural for you, that doesn’t make it an unnatural act. It’s just not meant for you. But for someone else, it’s completely natural and makes them happy. So natural in fact, that they can’t imagine living any other way. Just like any other sexuality. It’s not about what is and isn’t natural – it’s what natural for you.”

In my opinion, that’s where the heart of all these debates about what’s right and wrong, natural and unnatural, come from. People have a hard time understanding that unnatural for them does not mean unnatural for everyone. The world isn’t that black and white. There’s not two boxes. With one box being superior, and the other a bunch of lost souls, doomed to live a life of darkness and sorrow.

There’s actually no boxes at all – there are people – a wonderful and diverse crowd of fellow humans. We should embrace our differences. After all, God made us all in His image right? Maybe there’s more to God than what’s just in the Bible. Or maybe, we got His message confused. After all, the word of God was penned by man.

To quote The L Word, “If God hates us, then why are we all so sexy?”

Love is Love

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