Of Storytime With Sarah

Flight of the Conchords

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There’s this thing that happens to me, a lot. Where people decide to tell me their entire life story upon exchanging initial hello’s. This fact has made the socially awkward humans latch onto me with remarkable skill.

For the most part, it’s fairly easy to evade the people who decide that now is the best possible time to tell me all about how they don’t have air conditioning in their truck and their pants are wet because they just went through a car wash (yeah … a car wash). But hey, the truck was free so maybe the heat’s not the end of the world. That swell story was told to me by a lady standing behind me at Rite Aid.

But when I’m in the work environment, there is no escape from these people (mostly men). I have to stand there and listen until work gets too busy to talk, or I get called away by another employee.

And while I’m certain that these stories were told to me with absolute confidence that I would hold my tongue, the reality is that I don’t know any of their names, so it’s about time these stories were published online where they can never be destroyed:

  • There was the guy who was in the midst of whining about how late women always are. And then decided that I’m obviously the world’s biggest sports fan. Proceeded to lift up his calf, roll up his pants, and show me his tattoo of the Yankee’s logo – which matched his hat.
  • There was the drunk guy who really wanted my phone number. Even though I said no, he chucked his phone at me. When I picked it up, I saw his calendar and said, “Man, I can’t give my phone number to someone who hands me their calendar screen!” He of course clumsily tried to fix it. “Nah man,” I said, “it’s too late.” He was drug away by his friend’s as he cried out my name until I was out of eyesight.
  • There’s a bunch of mother’s who decide that their rules are superior to the rules of the theater, so we should let their underage teenagers into a rated R movie. It’s pretty simple people. If you’re at least 17 – bring your id, or bring someone who’s 21 and over to sit and watch the damn movie with you. It’s not my fault you forgot your id, but I do enjoy watching you freak out about it and leave in a huff.
  • There was the guy who told me all about how he’s a Christian now and doesn’t want to hear any swearing.
  • There’s the nerdy high school boys who thought that my hair look like Princess Leia’s. I of course corrected them, because I did not have two buns on the side of my head. So they clarified that in that one scene, where she’s taken by Darth Vader on her own ship, she didn’t have her hair in the classic two buns. And that mine resembled it significantly.
  • There’s the lady who told me all about how she used to be a mistress to a married guy.
  • There’s this guy that frequently comes to watch children movies with coupons. Part way through the transaction he always says, “If I had my choice I’d watch something with lots of action in it.” – Even though those passes technically reflect only a dollar amount and could be used for a different movie than it’s promoting.
  • There was the guy who insisted that, “the difference between men who like men and men who like women is that men who like men don’t understand that men and women are different.”
  • There’s the little old lady who came to see Magic Mike and said, “I’m only watching it because I really like the soundtrack.”
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Of Going Out Alone

Perks of Being a Wallflower - Alone Gif

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There’s a handful of activities where when people go by themselves the rest of the world assumes that they are lonely or have no friends. Such as shopping, movies, restaurants, sporting events, concerts, cruises, weddings, plays, etc.

I understand the fear of a social stigma. No one desires to be the awkward person standing around without anyone to keep them company. Forced to pretend that they’re having a really intense texting conversation, absolutely fascinated by the scenery, or looking around for their “friend” but they can’t seem to find them anywhere!

Personally, I like going to the movies by myself. After all, it’s not like you’re going to talk to each other during the film anyways.

I also enjoy shopping all on my own. Especially if I’m not looking for anything in particular. I don’t need someone to tell me if what I’m trying on looks good. I have a very strict policy of, “If you don’t absolutely love it, don’t buy it. If there’s any hesitation, don’t buy it.”

I don’t even mind going to a play/musical solo. If I want to see a show, but no one is able to go with me, I’m still going to see the show. Simple as that. I’m not going to let something like friends stand in the way of live theater. I’ll just bring my pocket-sized Sudoku book for intermission.

Now off course I prefer if someone is able to tag along. And there are plenty of places I would not want to go without a date or friend – if I had a choice. For everyone is bound to fall victim to feeling alone at some point. Except with shopping – I really do like to shop by myself.

 

Of Movie Crowds

Comic about Disney and Porn

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For three years I’ve worked at a movie theater. In that time I’ve come to recognize particular crowds (meaning that I can usually tell what movie you’re going to watch before you walk up to my till). All I have to do is look at how you’re dressed and who you’re with – I usually guess right.

Of course not everyone conforms to fit a particular movie group, but most do.

There’s the horror crowd: typically teenagers or groups of bros. These people tend to be loud and boisterous. Or they reek of marijuana.

There’s the romantic (comedy) crowd: this crowd almost always comes in pairs. Boys and girls on dates. Or single (probably lonely) girls looking to lose themselves in a life more romantic than theirs.

There’s the comedy crowd: this one’s the most diverse and thus the hardest to predict. These people come in waves and show up almost exactly fifteen minutes before their movie starts (all at the same time).

There’s the fan-club crowd: this changes depending on the fan-base. For example, Twilight, The Hunger Games, Watchmen, The Avengers, Nicholas Sparks Books. These people have read the book and they are beyond psyched for the film release.

But there’s a new crowd that I’d never seen before – the lustful crowd. With the start of male stripper movie Magic Mike, aka Coyote Ugly with penises or The Full Monty with young people. Women walk up to me with hungry eyes and give me this look of ecstasy. As if I’m supposed to share in their glee and desire to stare at men strip and dance. Yeah, I don’t care, sorry. Then they giggle towards their theater.

Normally when checking theaters, to make sure everything’s working smoothly, I see faces or shock, joy, sadness, fear, disinterest, boredom, and so on. With Magic Mike I saw what I can only describe as extreme horniness. Like these women chose to come to this movie so that they could go to a strip club without the demeaning activity of actually going to one.

I haven’t seen the film yet, but from what I’ve seen – these boys are not afraid to be trashy.

Magic Mike GIF

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Of Showering in the Movies

Psycho Shower

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Picture any shower scene in any movie ever made. Odds are it’s a pretty girl, probably blond, guaranteed to be skinny, highly attractive, and humming some tune while she washes her hair or lathers her body using a loofah. There’s also a strong possibility the first shower scene you think of is from a horror movie. This makes sense, considering that at that moment in time people are quite literally naked and vulnerable.

Now here’s what bothers me – how the girl washes her hair. It’s simply not logical.

She almost always faces the water. Most people face away, you know, to avoid the whole shampoo in the eyes effect. Sure, they might face the falling water when lathering their hair, but they turn around when it comes time to rinse.

In efforts to increase the sex appeal and vulnerability, that is typically involved with the showering experience, movies and television shows seem to enjoy making the girl’s behavior sexy rather than normal. It’s not the sexy that annoys me, by all means, be sexy. I will very VERY rarely judge someone for their sexiness, more specifically, how they use their sexiness. It simply bother’s me whenever I watch a shower scene.

Yes, there are exceptions where the girl has normal showering habits, but let’s be honest. The majority of the time there’s no logic behind the scene, it’s used to be sexy, build suspense, or heighten an emotional moment.

Of Homosexuality and Media

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Lately I’ve been watching more gay/lesbian media than I usually do, and I’ve stumbled upon a semi-annoying discovery. In both movies and TV it’s a lot easier to find gay (likable) men than women. The token gay best friend is always a guy. There’s a crazy difference in the amount of movies about gay men versus gay women – when looking at titles it’s like a sea of gays with the occasional lesbian thrown in for kicks. In said movies, they typically function like the hetero couples, just a bit more flamboyant. An easy tangent would be to talk about the clear stereotype for how a gay man functions in society, but I think we all know what that would be. For instance: shopping, superficiality, hair with frosted tips, and “Hey girl , heeeeyy.” Even so, the media seems to be far more comfortable with the idea of two men than two ladies – unless they are behaving as a sex symbol.

Lesbians are portrayed as either super butch, anti-men feminists, or high maintenance lipsticks. This is not to say that butch lesbians aren’t walking about or that women are always easy to be around, but they get placed on an extreme binary scale. When I do find the rare lesbian movie that sounds interesting, the woman almost always ends up with a guy in the end. And if by some miracle she doesn’t, she still messed around with one. Of course, clearly if she sees a penis she’s going to stick around – at least in the media. This is not to say that these aren’t good movies, The Kids Are Alright is wonderful, I own it, but it does fall into that mindset of needs a man. The films that don’t have the switching teams factor are typically low-budget indies with acting that’s either superb or painfully bad, there’s no middle ground. I’m sick of watching these romantic or dramatic movies just to have the couple you’re rooting for suddenly break up and retreat into a hetero normative world. I want to cheer on a lesbian couple and have them stick it out with that Hollywood romantic comedy happily ever after ending.  Straight couples and gay men get that all the time, it’s the ladies turn.

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Of Pop Culture Favorites

I’m not afraid to admit it, I love Pop Culture. I find it fascinating. I’m picky. I’m open-minded to things that people hate mostly because that’s the cool thing to do. I get defensive when someone declares my opinion as wrong, not different in taste – just flat-out wrong. Or won’t even consider listening or watching something that has amazing reviews because they are harboring ill feelings towards one of the people involved.

I’ve decided to make lists.

Five celebrity crushes:

Britney Spears Headshot

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  1. Britney Spears
  2. Jimmy Fallon
  3. Gene Kelly
  4. Mila Kunis
  5. Zoey Deschanel

Five movies that I’m not the biggest fan of and everyone else seems to adore:

The Goonies Movie Poster

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  1. The Goonies
  2. The Princess Bride
  3. 90% of action movies (they often lack a compelling plot and rely on pointless fighting)
  4. 300
  5. Happy Feet

Five movies that I can watch 50 times in a row:

Singin' in the Rain Movie Poster

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  1. Singin’ in the Rain
  2. Mean Girls
  3. Matilda
  4. Keeping Mum
  5. Hello Dolly!

Five TV Guilty Pleasures:

Joss Whedon

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  1. Joss Whedon (Buffy, Angel, Firefly, Dollhouse)
  2. Bad Girls Club
  3. How I Met Your Mother
  4. Gilmore Girls
  5. One Tree Hill

Five Favorite TV Characters:

Wesley Wyndam Pryce

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  1. Wesley Wyndam Pryce (Angel, Buffy)
  2. Giles (Ripper) (Buffy)
  3. Barney Stinson (How I Met Your Mother)
  4. Lorleli Gilmore (Gilmore Girls)
  5. Willow Rosenburg (Buffy)

So there’s my five lists of five pop culture things sans a music category. Anyone want to make their own? Have at it!

Now it’s back to a sleepless existence of work and homework.