Of Who Done It? Tale of the Kitchen Felon.

 

Nicole and a Stuffed Doggy.

Here’s a picture of one of my besties staring down the camera with a stuffed dog in her dress. Her quizzical, but stern face, pretty sums up the emotions of the words below.

Every day, when I walk into the kitchen, I have the same thought, “Where did all these dishes come from?” I’ll do the dishes at night, and by 6:00pm the next day we’re out of glasses, there are piles of dirty plates (not rinsed off, mind you), pans on the stove top, and bowls in the living room. It’s baffling.

So I’ll sit there and ponder how many of these are mine. Here lies a typical day:

Breakfast: none – who has time for breakfast?

Lunch: frying pan, spatula, plate, knife, glass

Dinner: pan, stirring spoon, bowl, fork, glass

Total: utensils = 2, cooking stuff = 4, plates = 1, bowl = 1, glasses = 2

If all three of us created the exact same number of dishes, then that would account for 30 dirty things next to the sink. But it would mostly consist of small stuff, which could easily fit into one load of dishes crammed onto our drying rack – sadly, we don’t have a dish washer. It doesn’t explain how literally all of our forks and glasses disappear. Or where the stack of 10 plates comes from. Or why there’s always gross stuff stuck to the inside of 5 pots/pans – seriously roomies, rinse your dishes, don’t make me drawn a penis on your face with a sharpie when you’re asleep. And it certainly doesn’t explain why I end up doing an average of three loads of dishes regularly.

But of course, no one is guilty. When we discuss the dishes, everyone claims to have only used 3 dishes – 7 tops. Maybe we have a magical dirty dish fairy. Or maybe the hermit downstairs, comes up to use our kitchen when we’re not home. Or maybe one of us, if not all of us, are sneaky liars.

It’s like when I was little and the towel bar broke in the bathroom. My dad sat everyone down to see who broke the towel bar. No one fessed up, everyone had the same face of, “Jeepers! I don’t know.” To this day the towel bar mystery has never been solved, but I’d place money on my brother Eric. I just have this feeling that he’s the guilty one.

I have a theory that I’ll never have a clear answer as to who the dishes monster is,  but I have a hunch  …. not that they’ll ever fess up.

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Of Storytime With Sarah

Flight of the Conchords

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There’s this thing that happens to me, a lot. Where people decide to tell me their entire life story upon exchanging initial hello’s. This fact has made the socially awkward humans latch onto me with remarkable skill.

For the most part, it’s fairly easy to evade the people who decide that now is the best possible time to tell me all about how they don’t have air conditioning in their truck and their pants are wet because they just went through a car wash (yeah … a car wash). But hey, the truck was free so maybe the heat’s not the end of the world. That swell story was told to me by a lady standing behind me at Rite Aid.

But when I’m in the work environment, there is no escape from these people (mostly men). I have to stand there and listen until work gets too busy to talk, or I get called away by another employee.

And while I’m certain that these stories were told to me with absolute confidence that I would hold my tongue, the reality is that I don’t know any of their names, so it’s about time these stories were published online where they can never be destroyed:

  • There was the guy who was in the midst of whining about how late women always are. And then decided that I’m obviously the world’s biggest sports fan. Proceeded to lift up his calf, roll up his pants, and show me his tattoo of the Yankee’s logo – which matched his hat.
  • There was the drunk guy who really wanted my phone number. Even though I said no, he chucked his phone at me. When I picked it up, I saw his calendar and said, “Man, I can’t give my phone number to someone who hands me their calendar screen!” He of course clumsily tried to fix it. “Nah man,” I said, “it’s too late.” He was drug away by his friend’s as he cried out my name until I was out of eyesight.
  • There’s a bunch of mother’s who decide that their rules are superior to the rules of the theater, so we should let their underage teenagers into a rated R movie. It’s pretty simple people. If you’re at least 17 – bring your id, or bring someone who’s 21 and over to sit and watch the damn movie with you. It’s not my fault you forgot your id, but I do enjoy watching you freak out about it and leave in a huff.
  • There was the guy who told me all about how he’s a Christian now and doesn’t want to hear any swearing.
  • There’s the nerdy high school boys who thought that my hair look like Princess Leia’s. I of course corrected them, because I did not have two buns on the side of my head. So they clarified that in that one scene, where she’s taken by Darth Vader on her own ship, she didn’t have her hair in the classic two buns. And that mine resembled it significantly.
  • There’s the lady who told me all about how she used to be a mistress to a married guy.
  • There’s this guy that frequently comes to watch children movies with coupons. Part way through the transaction he always says, “If I had my choice I’d watch something with lots of action in it.” – Even though those passes technically reflect only a dollar amount and could be used for a different movie than it’s promoting.
  • There was the guy who insisted that, “the difference between men who like men and men who like women is that men who like men don’t understand that men and women are different.”
  • There’s the little old lady who came to see Magic Mike and said, “I’m only watching it because I really like the soundtrack.”

Of Pretty Friends

Friends

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I’ve always said, “I don’t have ugly friends. Well, I had one once, and it didn’t end well”.

Most people find this flattering or humorous. After all, I certainly don’t mean any malice towards my fellow humans.  But every now and then, someone reacts with a bitch-are-you-serious stare. Or instantly launches into a verbal judgment of me – assuming shallowness and other unpleasant personality traits.

Okay, I get it, you are easily offended and wish that everyone was treated with love at all times  – and in an ideal world, everyone is. I respect that. But here’s my question, dear person who jumps down my throat, do you find your friends ugly?

Honestly, it’s a fun reverse, because no one ever says no. And I would hope not.

It’s not about being shallow or only caring about how you and your posse appear to the masses. You should find your friends beautiful. Granted some might be more physically striking than others. Or soul-wise more stunning. But ultimately, unless you’re one of those people that surround yourself with others you think of as ugly to make yourself feel good – your friends are most likely attractive.

And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Of … Really?

Stupid People Quotes

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It’s common knowledge (at least amongst my friends) that I have a low tolerance for stupid people. If you can’t articulate even a simple sentence, you don’t understand sarcasm/wit, or you get confused by automatic hand dryers – then we can’t be friends. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that I can’t handle being around your stupidity for longer than absolutely necessary.

Today I was asked, “Is the 12:10 Ice Age a morning or an afternoon show?” Really??? Is that an honest question? Or is this a co-worker trying to be funny? 

For a moment I was sitting there stunned, “It’s an afternoon,” I answered.

“Okay thanks,” they said.

*click*

I still can’t believe I was asked that question in the first place. I wonder if it occurred to them that an afternoon show implies that the film starts after, wait for it, noon. In this case it was a whole ten minutes after noon. People are amazingly idiotic sometimes. If that person was the babysitter, they should probably be fired for not knowing how to read a clock. And if they were a parent, I’m sad that they produced offspring. Hopefully their child will be able to understand that the defining moment between morning and noon is when the clock chimes twelve times – or if your phone has a little PM near the time.

 

Of the Female Friendship Ladder

Friends

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In the female world, whether you happen to be gay or straight, there is a ladder of friendship. I’ve chosen the 10 most frequent (at least in my life experience) types of friend to encounter. We lesbians just happen to have the extra “girlfriend” or in my case “love interest who ended up being either straight or taken” that gets tacked on the top of the chart in the same place where “boyfriend” would be for the straight community.With men there’s only three levels (Can’t stand you, you’re okay, or we’re buds), that’s it! Of course with females we’ve made it more complex and challenging with layers and rules.

  1. “Absolute Bitch.” This is the girl that makes your skin crawl. When she enters a room you sigh in disgust and immediately start whining to your friends. Should she so dare as chew gum or eat a banana in your presence you shiver in annoyance, how dare she eat like that? Didn’t she ever learn how to chew? This hatred is not without reason, maybe she insulted someone you care about or slept with your partner. Maybe she’s just mean to everyone and has no regard for humanity. The point is, you can’t stand even the sound of her name being called.
  2. “Resident Annoyance.” You don’t particularly like this girl but you can’t seem to get rid of her. Typically these people latch onto you in the work environment or during a class. She’s like the lice you got in third grade – you can’t get rid of her until you isolate yourself and go through an uncomfortable treatment (or get a new job).
  3. “Friend of a Friend.” If there’s going to be jealousy or awkwardness within a friendship, this girl is the reason. She’ll show up for a weekend to visit your friend. If she’s awesome and you all click – consider yourself lucky. Most the time there are lots of uncomfortable conversations. The natural cadence of your social circle treading water as this new person has a different rhythm. Still you smile politely, carry on conversation, and probably actually like the girl. But seeing as she’ll be gone in a matter of days there’s no point in developing a deep bond.
  4.  “Acquaintance.” You met this girl once, you got along great, and you friended her on Facebook. The catch is that you know nothing about her and you see her, on average, every other month at a party.
  5. “Class/Work Friend.” You love this girl (in a strictly platonic way), the laughs shared between the two of you seem to be endless. Only you’ve never seen her outside of the classroom or work place. Regardless, you know the details of her weekend, life, and opinions. In theory you two would get along great chatting over a cup of coffee, odds are you’ll never find out.
  6. “Distant Friend.” You two have known each other since you were wee tots, but as you developed into women you grew apart. Even so, there’s still a connection and catching up often turns in a “Hey, remember when?” session.
  7. “Instant Friend.” These are rare, but spectacular. Remember in elementary school how you would meet a classmate during recess and within five minutes you were best friends? This is the adult version of that. Somehow you and this girl cross paths maybe at a party, bar, work, club, school, dance, etc. And something clicks, for a moment you’re back in kindergarten and this girl is officially one of your favorite people. You just know you’ll be friends with her till your both gray haired and wrinkly. Instant friends quickly jump ahead to a deeper level of friendship.
  8. “Dear Friend.” Over the years you two have become incredibly close. This is the level of friendship where frequent phone calls and impromptu visits (or adventures) begin. For some reason amongst women there’s unwritten rules about who you can call, ask to hang out, and how often. Should you break these laws you will be considered a creeper or rudely invading their space. With a Dear Friend you don’t have to worry about such nonsense.
  9. “Best Friend.” Back in kindergarten you were only allowed one, as a teenager you struggled defining the term and balancing multiple friends while deciding who was truly your best. Now that you’re an adult you’ve learned the secret – you can have more than one best friend. I’d say you can have up to 5 before you come across as greedy or delusional. This is the girl you can count on to answer your phone calls at 3am, drive to pick you up no matter where you are, let you cry on their shoulder, and still love you after you’ve drunkenly thrown up (even if the puke got in their hair).
  10. “Sister.” This girl surpasses the ladder of friendship – you have known her literally since you were able to remember. She is immersed in your life so deeply that the family even considers her an adopted member. My Sister has gone to family functions when I was unable to attend, is included in family portraits, and is beloved by everyone (except my grandmother, but that’s a different story). Think back to the episode of Boy Meets World when Mr. Matthews is in the hospital. I don’t remember why he’s in the hospital, only that it was sad and everyone was worried. But I do remember that the family waited for hours and when the doctor came up to them he wouldn’t let Shawn in to visit. “Sorry, family only.” The doctor said. Mr. Matthew’s walked up behind the doctor and said, “He is family.” And the doctor let him through the doors. That’s what a Sister is – she’s not a just a friend, she’s your personal Shawn Hunter.

Of Khloe Kardashian

Khloe Kardashian

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I am:

  • College student
  • 3.51 GPA
  • English major
  • Highly logical
  • Typically apathetic
  • Relatively intelligent
  • Fashion lover
  • Dancer
  • Blogger
  • Lazy chef

  • But I also love reality television. I understand why people hate on the genre, I understand why they bash it, and I understand why they might question my character if they find out I watch it – quite often.
    •  I really don’t care, I don’t believe in closet fandom, people like what they like. Fact. I also own The Suite Life of Zack and Cody on DVD, no shame my friend, no shame.

Here’s the deal, I do have a favorite Kardashian and that would be Khloe.

Here’s why I like Khloe, she seems the most normal. Khloe may not be as “Hollywood” pretty as her sisters but she has by far the strongest personality. She takes care of those she loves and she’s an avid activist. Unlike most of her family she does what she wants to do regardless of what their overbearing mother says – making her the most independent Kardashian. Plus, she’s spunky, funny, and opinionated. She doesn’t care what the world thinks of her. Yes she’s made mistakes (drunk driving for example) but she owns up to them. Even though the girl has a ton of money and success she doesn’t go around acting like she’s better than everyone else.

I find her highly likable especially in comparison to the rest of the more notable Kardashian’s:

  • Kim Kardashian – very materialistic and desperate, plus there’s the whole marriage scandal.
  • Kourtney Kardashian – decent business woman but she keeps sticking around with her loser baby daddy even after he punched a mirror in a drunken rage and lied to her for years on end.
  • Kris Jenner – the mother and the least sane out of them all. She gets highly emotional and irrational at the smallest detail, she’s manipulative, nosy, selfish, and she prioritizes business over her family on a regular basis. (She’s my least favorite reality TV star. Even the chicks in The Bad Girls Club are more likable).

 

Khloe Kardashian No H8

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Of Stupid People and Lovely Persons

Big Band Theory

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People suck. They come in mobs, they make poor decisions, and they are highly self-centered. Masses of people annoy me – that’s no secret. I don’t like dealing with obnoxious teenagers making out in the hall, whinny grandparents complaining about us young folk, bad parents that let their kids run wild screaming, gossipy individuals who slander those I love or loathe, politically obsessed people convinced that the world is going to hell, nosy coworkers, blah, blah, blah.

I especially hate when people slow me down – literally. I’m a naturally fast walker, I tend to weave around others as if they were puddles and I don’t want to get me feet wet. I’ve noticed that large masses of people tend to spread out and walk as slow as humanly possible. They seem to be completely unaware of their surroundings as I walk about a foot behind them giving my clear, “MOVE FASTER! I’m not afraid to tailgate you on foot,” signal. But no, they giggle and take their time. At the first chance I get I’ll pass them and resume my natural pace. Trust me, just saying, “excuse me” doesn’t always work.

Dane Cook has a joke about how you know you hate your job when you get mad at people for coming into your business. Now, I don’t hate my job, I love most of my co-workers some of us are even outside of work buddies. But if I’m working with a fun crew, I do hate when people come into my work. I enjoy getting paid to socialize and I don’t appreciate all these human beings coming in and ruining my fun with their gluttony, rudeness, and stupidity. Yes, when people come to the movies they tend to check their brain at the door and thus can’t understand the simplest notion. I hate dealing with stupid people, I hate dealing with the guy that always says I look disheveled or tired (he always wears a cowboy hat and you can see his nipples through his sweater, I never say anything), I hate dealing whinny people who blame me for the price of their high calorie snack – as if I can do something about it. And I hate when people treat me without any respect, especially when I know I’m smarter than them.

Persons, or individuals as they are more commonly called, I love them. I greatly enjoy socializing with person’s. Granted there are some that are more fun than others, but ultimately even the most annoying person is better than masses of families littered with small children. I even have a person’s list, it’s a semi-permanent list and consists of the most important people currently in my life, sans family. It rarely RARELY contains more than five person’s.

These are people that I love, that make me laugh, that don’t make me want to punch them. If I were in elementary school I would call them my best friend’s (of course back then you’re only allowed one best friend – silly). Even so, if these person’s were in the pile of people who slowed me down when I was trying to get from point A to point B, or came to my work and took FOREVER ordering when I had a backed up line – temporarily they would qualify as people and thus would irritate me for that moment in time.

As I said, people drive me crazy sometimes, but I always will love my person’s – you know who you are *winky face.*

Comedian

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