Of Writing Muscles

I haven’t written a plot driven story, poem, limerick, or really anything since I graduated. And it’s already been a year and a half since that momentous event occurred.

Recently I discovered that while my ability to ramble has not faded, my fiction muscles were defiantly out of shape.

When I first sat down at my laptop I was ready to kick ass. After all, in the past I’ve written fantastic stories on two hours of sleep and within extreme time constraints. So obviously this was gonna go well:

Anchorman - Big Deal

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The first draft was nothing more than awkward, unnatural dialogue. No imagery, limited movement, and hardly even a purpose. It was deleted.

So I decided it was best to start over. Now that the initial creative process kinks were out-of-the-way it was just a matter of accomplishing the task at hand:

Anchorman - Fight

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The second draft was much better, but not improved enough to make me say, “Good job self.” Most of this version will be deleted.

Now I’m embarking on draft three. If all goes well, this draft will be on par with the stories I wrote when I had only an hour to throw together a 2-5 page exercise to discuss during class. At this phase it feels a bit chaotic. However, now I’m invested, and turning back to the la-de-da world of binge watching Netflix is no longer an option. Sadly, this draft will most likely also join the scrap heap:

Anchorman - Regret Decision

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By draft four, maybe just maybe, it might be good enough to share with the internet. Because if by the fourth draft I still haven’t got my writing muscles back into shape, that would be a true travesty:

Anchorman - Glass Cage

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I think what I need is a writing group to keep me accountable. Whether they be strangers via the online universe, or people I may or may not know who live nearby. I need someone to give me a deadline and a reason to stare a computer for hours a day. Initially I will hate them for making me enter the treacherous love/hate world of writing. But when I finally have a tangible (and awesome) story that I can hand to a group for discussion, all I’ll be able to say is:

Anchorman - Love You

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They say that, “You’re always your worst critic,” but I’ve always thought I was decently awesome. So if I say it sucks, trust me when I say it’s a shitfest that’s not ready to be viewed by anyone. However, when my writing is once again impressive …. I shall show it everyone:

Anchorman - Jump for Joy

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Of Vampire Lungs


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We all know that vampires don’t need to breathe to live, yet in every movie and TV show I’ve ever seen they’re breathing. Sometimes even heavily. Which begs the question, why? I mean, I know that they are played by humans and it’d be irrational to force someone to hold their breath the entire scene – but still.

Is it a muscle memory thing?

That could make sense, like when you’re used to taking the same route to work everyday so you accidentally make a wrong turn when headed somewhere different. And breathing is something that you do from day 1 second 1 – so I could see how you would do that habitually even if it wasn’t necessary.

Is it to blend in or even feel human?

It’s possible. I mean, if someone was not breathing I’d hope that I’d be savvy enough to notice. Although most vampires don’t have souls, so they would shudder at the thought of feeling human. But perhaps they would force some air in and out to blend amongst prey.

To speak?

This is the most likely, have you ever tried to talk with no air in your lungs – it’s pretty much impossible. So unless they want to run around mute, they’d have to breathe in order to speak.

Although since their hearts don’t beat it’s not that farfetched of an idea to think that their lungs wouldn’t be able to expand. But if they do expand, they probably just push the air right back out without taking any of the nutrients that our human bodies would process. But then I ask, why the seemingly random bodily functions? Their lungs can apparently expand, but their hearts don’t beat. They sleep, but I’ve never heard of a vampire going to the bathroom. And if they eat food, what then? Can their dead bodies digest anything besides blood? And since their hearts don’t beat what makes the blood flow through their veins? Does the intake of new blood move around the old blood or does it just sit stagnant in their bodies? However they start to get weak if they don’t drink, which implies that somehow their bodies feed off the blood for energy. Or perhaps blood is like water, and they start to crumble if they get thirsty because of dehydration.

And if you start comparing classic to modern vampires, well that gets even more complicated ….