Of Tuesday Tunes – #GetItRight by Miley Cyrus

My song of the week is #GetItRight by Miley Cyrus – and yes, there really is a hashtag in the song title.

#GetItRight is a super catchy, uptempo, and happy pop song. The song is about sex, but in a cute way. Maybe it’s because of the joyful whistling in the background, but when I hear this song I think of new love and lust. This song has the vibe of those giddy butterflies.

It’s a cute little ditty, enjoy!

Favorite Lyric: “You’re sexy sexy, I got things I want to do to you. Make me make me, make my tongue just go do do do.”

Of “Accidents” in Bed

Pitch Perfect Meme

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I would like to declare that there is no such thing as an accidental hook up, or just happening to make out with someone, or even magically holding hands. Someone makes a move. Someone has to. Even in a blackout drunk situation at least one person has to think, this is a good idea, I’m gonna go for it, for any sort of physical action to take place. “It takes two to tango” is a cliché for a reason, but no tango has ever started without someone asking for a dance.

And I would know, I’ve thrown my fair share of drunken, half-naked, make-out parties, and I’ve never once accidentally made out with anyone – one of us always went in for the kiss. Truthfully, I’m usually the initiator, but that’s not really relevant. I mean, the point is that I decided to make physical contact. Me. I didn’t slip on a bar of soap and end up naked in some chick’s bed.

Still, quite often I hear, “I don’t know man, it just happened. One minute we’re hanging out and the next we’re making out.” No, no. it doesn’t work that way. What really happened is that you were hanging out and one of you kissed the other, and they willingly accepted the offer.

When people start talking about accidental sex (not rape, that’s different), I find that even more baffling. I mean, you took your clothes off, or allowed someone else to undress you. You didn’t slip and as you fell, the universe tore off your outfit, leaving you stark naked and ready to go. It just doesn’t make sense. As far as I can tell, using words like accident, just happened, oops, I was drunk, etc – are used by people who aren’t willing to own up to their own behavior. And it’s not like they need to be ashamed: they’re human, they like sex, so they went for it. They don’t need to make up excuses.

So beware of those dangerous bars of soap lying around. Step on one of them – and they’ll magically yank off your clothes leaving you naked with another person,  who conveniently also slipped on a bar of soap. But if you don’t see one lying around – your actions are on you my friend.

Of Sex, Driving, and Shaving

Freeway

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Warning: this will not be my classiest post of all time. Please forgive me.

I tend to have weird and very detailed dreams. In the past they weren’t what I would call happy, quite the opposite in fact, but the last thing I want to do is scare you. And usually when I write down my dreams they come out to be at least five pages long with steady themes, recurring characters, and metaphors. Apparently my subconscious is deep. Hella deep.

But for the past three nights this is all I remember: sex, driving, and shaving.

I understand the reason for the recurring things in my head:

  1. Like all humans, I like sex. Shocking I know, how dare anyone enjoy what’s meant to be enjoyed. Crazy as it may seem, liking sex doesn’t mean I’m sleeping around – that would be highly out of character for me.
  2. I can drive for days, in fact I would be a great trucker, but sadly I don’t fit the flannel stereotype.
  3. And I’ve always been obsessed with shaving. I love having smooth legs and armpits. I shave everyday (every other if I’m feeling lazy).

In my dreams, I don’t know if these things were happening simultaneously, who I was with, or where I was. All I remember is those three things occurred – for the past three nights. Clearly my sleepy subconscious is crying out in desperate need but my awake mind is too focused on the details of day-to-day life to give it any attention.

Now, I mentioned this to a couple of my friends and we instantly started trying to decipher if this would even be possible. Not each individual act, that would be silly, but all three: sex, driving, and shaving – all at the same time.

Throughout my conversations many questions were raised that I simply could not answer without remembering more of my dreams. What kind of car? Where are they shaving? Who is shaving? Are they shaving themselves or the other person? What kind of sex? Straight or gay sex? How fast are they driving?

The general consensus was yes, it would technically be possible but so incredibly dangerous. Possibly the most dangerous thing ever, especially if the road was icy. Then you’re just keeping yourself, um, entertained, till you die.

Some people thought it would be easier for the hetero world, as the male would drive and shave whilst the girl does all the work on top. My issue with that is safety, they are quite clearly doomed as the male would have terrible vision.

Other’s thought the homo world would be easier, as they would do hand things while one drives and the other shaves. Technically the heteros could do that as well but the pleasure would not be mutual for both parties – course, I’m not a male (gay or straight) my opinions not particularly valid in judging this particular category.

My standpoint is that no one should ever do this. EVER! It’s a terrible idea, if by some miracle you don’t die, it will be unbelievably awkward when you reach that stoplight. Or get pulled over by the police, for swerving and failing to maintain the speed limit.

So yeah, please don’t do this.

But if you do, safety first. Make sure the driver can see the road. I don’t know why the shaving can’t wait until the car’s pulled over but I pray the passenger is doing that job. And for the life of me I can’t grasp why the physical needs are so overwhelming that you would be willing to behave like this. But if you absolutely must, be creative, don’t share the seat.

When I jokingly asked my friend if I should blog about this she said, “Yes. Definitely yes. We need more opinions.” And upon more discussions with other friends I got a similar and down right giddy response.

Thus, If you feel bold enough to voice an opinion about the reality of this dream scenario then feel free to make a comment. If you’re shy and don’t want to, I totally understand.

Of Sex on the Dance Floor

Couple at a night club

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Contrary to popular belief, the dance floor is not a place for love-making. Now, I’m aware that most people who go out at night on the weekends are either actively or unconsciously hoping to meet that special someone. Someone amazing and attractive, ideally someone wealthy, heading somewhere in life, and/or an outstanding dancer. Does this mean that you should throw your lower bits at them in order to gain attention? Negative, keep that to yourself.

Thankfully (for the most part) people are semi-subtle about their desires, or at the very least not perverse, and remain respectful to other human beings.

Then there’s those that make me want to gag.

Because I always end up at straight clubs I’m literally there to dance, drink, and be merry – I don’t plan or even try to meet ladies, not that I wouldn’t like to, it’s just not really much of an option unless I want to go out alone or drive to Seattle. So when I see the girls walk in with their tight TIGHT mini skirts, five-inch heels, and drinking their blue drinks I can’t help but think (and usually say) a whore’s arrived. Shallow and judgmental? probably. Natural and reasonable response? I think so. These are the desperate ladies trying to use their sexuality to attract men in the way that women are drawn to shiny objects.

Last Saturday I was out with Erin, we were starting the party – as usual. When I looked up I saw a girl in high heels and a purple mini dress that was riding up past crotch level and her dress was starting to slide down. She was grinding on a guy who was rubbing her nipples over her dress. She seemed to take no notice on how fucking creepy that was. Eventually she got pulled away by someone and the nipple rubbing guy looked PISSED and sat down staring at the dancing people. I swear he was glaring at the dance floor from that moment until I left for a different club. I was honestly fearful of what he was capable of.

It’s normal to see a groping couple on the floor, a slutty desperate drunk chick walking around, and an aggressive male trying to get some ass – but not to that extent.

So I repeat, please save your sexy-time for your bedroom – or at least the bathroom stall.

Boo You Whore

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Of Getting Caught

How I Met Your Mother

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In theory getting caught might sound sexy. Or perhaps, it’s the maybe we’ll get caught that is the appeal. I’m just as guilty as the next hyper-sexual person of being a little risky with my location . Though, even in public I’ve always been in a mostly remote area (ex: car, abandoned beach shed, etc).

However, in the back of my mind I knew one thing. To actually get caught would be horrific.

My parents would be a nightmare,

but a stranger would be awkward,

and a friend would either never stop apologizing or let it go.

Let us all rejoice in the simple pleasure of sitcoms that takes this potentially emotional, embarrassing, frustrating, or awkward experience and turns it into a joyous moment filled with laughter and an abundance of smiles.

Of Female Orgasmic Decisions

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There’s a moment in the midst of intimate passion when a female knows whether or not the orgasm is going to happen.

When we’re on, we are ON, and we can go forever. Well, not forever, but certainly for hours …. much MUCH longer than you men out there. No offense. There’s a certain type of longing, that stretches way up inside a woman and makes her body writhe at the mere thought of sex. A desire that no amount of self-pleasure or oral could fix. This is a need that is deep inside and can only be reached by a man or a sex toy. When we feel this we know we will orgasm, and it will be loud and long … unless our partner unfortunately doesn’t, um, hold up. Let us not think bad thoughts, I like to think that most people want their partner to have an unbelievable experience. I know I do.

The female sex drive is largely in the brain. Yes, I might feel an aching need down below but if my brain does not match the vaginal vibe then ultimate satisfaction is not feasible. This is not to say we cannot enjoy ourselves,  just not as much as we could. And when our brain isn’t connecting to what our body longs for, we are faced with a choice.

  1. Fake orgasm – poor choice, I’ve never done it but a know many a lady who has.
  2. Work for it – rarely does this end with success, most likely you’ll end up tired and disappointed.
  3. Stop and finish them off – understandable, perhaps it’s best to give head then cuddle.
  4. Stop completely – a little mean, poor partner left hanging.
  5. Accept and Conquer – there’s nothing quite like holding a collapsed person shortly after sex, to know that you destroyed them, sometimes, given the proper mind-set, this can be quite a lovely feeling.
There’s other smaller choices such as speed up the process, but these are some of the big five.

Of Friends With Benefits

No Strings Attached, Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher

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Not long ago I wrote about being friends with ex’s, I reached no particular conclusion. Other than that there is no clear answer. In regards to being friends there isn’t an obvious yes or no. It’s a gray area. Couple by couple basis.

However I would argue that friends with benefits cannot exist.

Former couples and individuals who are attracted to each other can be friends.

And a strictly benefits relationship can be set up, though it is bound to be fruitless and disappointing if you’ve ever experience sex in a love relationship.

But friends with benefits is a guaranteed fail. Emotions, even if slight, are involved. Traditionally the argument is that someone is bound to get hurt. Meaning that one person will want more than the other. While yes this is probably true, in my experience that wasn’t what caused the hurt.

Recently my friends with benefits relationship with my ex came to a crashing halt. Not because he or I was wanting our relationship back. More because of the imbalance we were feeling. There was an emphasis on benefits over friends in our situation which made sex essentially a hit-and-run. And that recurring bang-and-be-gone, is what made both of us feel dirty. Last night, yes Valentine’s day, after cashing in on the benefits we discussed this issue. This led to an heavy but not heated conversation. Just being friend’s is tricky, we have to switch our routine out of the rut we were in an a couple. Because as a couple we weren’t good for each other and arranging benefits was simply our way of subconsciously clinging onto the past. Though he admitted for him it was conscious.

I feel good about the decision we made to stop the benefits. I also don’t feel bad that we continued our sexual relations after we broke up. We joked that we had break-up sex five times. It was part of our transition process, and I think we’re both in a better place now.