Of Always the Entertainer

“Let me entertain you, let me make you smile.” – Gypsy, Stephen Sondheim

Nicolas Cafe Valentine

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Valentine’s Day is the ultimate holiday of emotional abuse – at least, commercially. It’s the day that puts extreme pressure on those in a relationship whilst beating up the singletons with an emotional whip. No matter where you are in your love life – Valentine’s Day is gonna get you. It’s essentially the sniper of holidays.

As a single person, there are two types of advertisements that are geared in my direction:

  1. You are a strong independent female, you don’t need a man, not like those other weak girls with boyfriends. Pssh! Girl power!
  2. You are clearly desperate, lonely, and in need of some good lovin’. Here’s how to power through the day until your sad soul finds a man to make you complete.

The common thread here? Men are awful, BUT you kinda need one to be your best self. Not only do I not relate to these male focused ads because I’m a lesbian, but also because I disagree with HOW the men are supposed to function. They are either dooming the women, by making them be less than they are. Or they’ll rescuing the women, by pulling them out of their despair and into the light. Neither seems like a healthy start to a relationship, at least, not to me.

Here’s what I want in a partner: someone who will put on a show with me.
Silly, simple, and slightly nonsensical isn’t it?

I find that because I have a loud personality, a lot of the dates I go on feel like a performance. Which is not a fun feeling. I don’t enjoying having to interview someone in order to have a conversation.

In short, it often feels like this:

The women I’ve truly been smitten by have put on a show with me. The conversation flows easily and it’s clear that this person wouldn’t pull me down, nor life me up, they’d meet me in the middle.

Which, in my opinion, is how it should work. Of course people will have their ups and downs – that’s just common sense.¬†But if you’re gonna be with someone, they should be your equal. Not your savior or your baggage.

So to the currently yoked people.

  • Ignore the advertisements, you don’t need to spend a thousand dollars or whisk your partner away to paradise island. Just spend the evening together and dim the lights.

To the single people.

  • If you’re struggling, call your friends and celebrate yourselves. Bake something, play a game, build a fort, and just have fun.
  • If you’re not struggling, then you already know what to do. ūüôā

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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Of Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

Girlfriends

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I’d love to be with you, but you don’t know that.

Or maybe you do, but you aren’t willing to talk about us.

So I sit.

I sit cause making a move is dangerous.

I sit cause I’m waiting for you to acknowledge or deny me.

I sit cause I’m a wimp.

I sit cause the timing is never right.

I sit cause I am a bystander in my own life.

You’ll never be mine. We could be a disaster. Hell, we could be great.

But we’ll never know.

———-

I guess it’s time for me to stand up.

Of a Single Lady Lover

Santana and Britney Dancing Gif

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Normally I’m the type that avoids romance like it was a steaming cup of gasoline¬†being poured down my throat. I’ve dated a bit, been in one actual relationship, and several of those we-act-like-we’re-dating-but-we’re-not-together situations. I don’t come from a family that prizes emotions. We praise wit, humor, apathy, and intelligence – emotional needs (and heaven forbid crying) are considered weakness.

But I’m just gonna say it, I want a girlfriend. It’s true. I’m not a detached zombie, I’m a human being damn it, and humans tend to long for all that cheesy bullshit they see in romantic comedies. I’m no different in that aspect, my issue is that I’m so accustomed to pushing away feelings that I don’t have the slightest idea how to begin a relationship.

I spend most my time with my co-workers or dancing buddies, all of whom I love dearly, all of whom are straight, and all of whom do not attract me in the ‘romantic’ sort of way. I don’t have very many gay friends anymore, considering that they are all spread out across the country, coast to coast … literally.

But my biggest problem is that I have a faulty gaydar, and secondly that no one thinks I’m gay. Even when I talk about women, wear rainbows, or make jokes, they are still surprised when at some point in a conversation I actually say the word. I’ve accepted that coming out will be a never-ending process.¬†I need to learn how to actually meet someone, a dancer if possible, but a sense of humor is a must – I have no interest in dating anymore incredibly serious people.

So yeah, I want a girlfriend, but meeting someone and then having the guts to actually go for it – are two events that probably won’t occur in my near future.

If anyone has awesome tips, I’m listening.

Of My February 14th’s

LOVE

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February 14th has never been a day that I truly cared about. In all honesty, I usually forget about the holiday until it’s actually the day of (maybe the day before). I have exactly four Valentine’s Day’s that stand out in my memory.

  1. My junior year of high school a boy who liked me brought a bouquet of roses to my front door. I accepted them, gave him a quick hug, and retreated back into my house. I was incredibly embarrassed because now I would have to explain how I got flowers to my parents. My family does not frequently discuss dating, hormones, or feelings so he put me in, what I deemed as, a really awkward position.
  2. Two years ago my boyfriend at the time made me dinner. It was a beautiful dinner, I believe there was shrimp and I LOVE shrimp. But when I was on my way to make coffee I broke my French Press. I was so distraught I started crying and I almost let it ruin the dinner.
  3. Last year I didn’t realize it was Valentine’s Day and my ex-boyfriend came over. Well, intimacy occurred and then we started talking. I was being very honest, explaining how the way he handled things was wrong. I’ll spare you the stupid details. So, then I had a naked man crying in my bed for about an hour… unfortunately that was not the first time he’d cried in my bed. By this point I no longer felt sympathy for his tears. Especially since in this case they weren’t justified.
  4. This year I did nothing for the Day of the Cupid. I went to school, visited my grandparents who made dinner for the whole family, then I went over to Erin’s and watched a “scary” TV show called The River. I still don’t think it was all that scary… they screamed, I laughed, they jumped, I rolled my eyes. That’s usually how it goes when I watch scary programs with other women.

    But the reason why I mark this as one of my four Valentine’s to remember is that while last year I had a naked man crying in my bed, this year I was single and gay. The changes that occurred in a year fascinate me and make this a Valentine’s worth remembering. Maybe next year I’ll have a lady friend, maybe not, at least within this last year I figured out more of who I am. Who knows what I’ll discover by next Valentine’s.

__________________________________________________________________

What I miss is the shoe box Valentine’s that we had in elementary school. Maybe next year I’ll throw a shoe box Valentine’s Day party. Give everybody a sense of nostalgia. But the people who freak out about Valentine’s Day are not invited – they annoy me and I don’t understand them.

Of the Prince Charming Epidemic

James Marsden in Enchanted

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Lyric’s come into being because someone felt, remembered, or dreamt something. As I’ve gotten older it these songs start to bare weight. I’m not saying that they make me nostalgic or that they remind me of better days. None of that sappiness. What’s irritating me is that I have one, count it one, person to link all the love songs to. Well, I dated a little in high school. But those relationships were far from meaningful. I don’t count those.

So … yeah … one.

By no means does this thought make me want him back and by no means do these memories make me sad. What it does is make me want a new, um … “special someone”… so to speak.

I’m officially over the single thing. Problem is – I’m a bad dater. I don’t notice when men flirt with me (unless they set off my creeper radar). My friends (and mom) tell me, “he was totally hitting on you” and I reply, “I had no idea.” I’m terrible at letting my feeling be known, even to myself. I lie to my brain thinking “Nooooo not him, I don’t like him.” Of course once it’s past the point of opportunity that’s when I realize “Huh, yep definitely liked him. Damn.” Then there’s my extreme independence. I do like being on my own. I’ve never been boy crazy – still not boy crazy (I don’t understand hyperventilating because a semi-attractive human being with a penis walked in the room). And regardless of horniness, I respect myself to much to sleep with a stranger or someone I am not interested in dating. That behavior just doesn’t mesh with my personality. If I were to suddenly be boy crazy and started sleeping around. My friends would worry. Though if that’s you’re personality power to ya, as long as your safe (condoms and such).

Thus I don’t actively pursue romance. Rather I wait and hope it comes floating by, glittering in the sky. And I’ll see the something shiny (all girls love shiny things) and grab it.

When I was younger my list of things required for a potential mate was crazy long. The shallowness of a Christian youth. Now that I’m older and “he has to love Jesus” isn’t on my list I really only care about four things: handsome, taller than me, funny, and willing to go Blues and Swing Dancing with me. End of list. I don’t think it’s impossible. I’ve met versions of him. Of course, he’s always taken but it does provide hope for us ladies. Settling is never an option.

Purpose of this rant: I’d like to have more than one human being to link songs to. I’d also like to stop day dreaming about the impossible.

Face it ladies. Prince Charming doesn’t exist. Fuck you Disney!

Things don’t turn out like romantic comedies.

And I have no idea why so many of you love Pride and Prejudice, personally I can’t finish the book (I’ve tried three times, never got past page 50). But I did watch the four-hour movie with Colin Firth and frankly Mr. Darcy doesn’t exist either. Why would you want him to? I’m sick of this “he’s so romantic and such a gentlemen” bullshit. Okay let us review: he thought he was better than the Bennet’s, he was cold and rude, convinced his friend to dump Elizabeth’s sister, made a rash proposal insulting Elizabeth in the process, but girls love him … I guess because he paid their families way out of ruin? I don’t know. P&P fans out there feel free to defend your precious Jane Austen. Just know that I will never agree with you. One of my dearest friend’s has a Jane Austen action figure complete with desk and quill – even she has never convinced me that Jane Austen is amazing.

Yep, definitely ready for a new romantic phase in my life. Not Prince Charming. Not necessarily Mr. Right.

Just Mr. Right Now.

Of Britney Spears vs. Lady Gaga

Britney Spears vs Lady Gaga

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Once again the media has pinned Britney Spears up against yet another blond female pop star.

Back in the day it was Christina Aguilera vs. Britney Spears.

Now it’s Lady Gaga vs. Britney Spears.

Just the fact that it’s someone else vs. Britney Spears, it’s pretty obvious who the winner of the feud is, and always will be. Ms. Spears takes the crown … again.

Ms. Spears has yet to disappoint her fans. She is the queen of the comeback. She never released a less than satisfactory album, especially in the eyes of her fans. Her latest single Hold it Against Me is more than satisfactory and generates a lot of excitement at the club (I speak from experience). It also topped the iTunes charts in over 15 countries. Her fans are waiting in anticipation for her next video. Choreographer¬†Brian Friedman told the press that “In every role, she is dancing. She is going to be dancing throughout the whole video.” Cementing my prediction that the video will not disappoint. Ms. Spears has never needed gimmicks. She just needs to be her sexy (slightly racy) confident self and bring her dancing feet.

With the release of Gaga’s Born This Way there was a lot of pressure on the new artist, and her little monsters were certain her single would be better than Ms. Spears. Personally I don’t she delivered. The Fame Monster was an original well orchestrated album, it was fresh, clever, and great dance music. Born This Way lost that Gaga vibe with the¬†exception¬†of a few moments where she speaks to the listeners. It¬†is also incredibly similar to Madonna’s Express Yourself. The similarities have sparked a lot of conversations on the web. There is no doubt that the song will do well, but if this would have been released before¬†Just Dance, I doubt it would have had as much success. At least not until the video was released, which is bound to be full of crazy costumes and weird make-up. Making me pose the question, if Gaga didn’t create this Elton John/Madonna hybrid image, would she be as successful? Based off her first album – yes, based off her latest single – no.

Of Friends with Ex’s?

Broken Up Couple

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When I propose the idea of being friends with an ex-lover I always get a varied reaction. I’ll sit and listen to cries of NEVER,¬† it’s hard, there’s too much history, you’re never really over the person, it complicates things. From the person who is still emotionally attached in a I-want-him/her-back kinda way. I’ve been told NO he’s an ass, I don’t want to see his face ever again. From the person who had a messy-heated-I hate you-(possibly) abusive relationship. Then there’s the¬†YES it’s definitely possible. I did it, we were better off as friends anyways. From the person who had a peaceful breakup. Sometimes the response will be a combination of one or more of the above reactions.

I’m sick of all this binary talk of emotions. Relationships current or previous, while they end, the remains don’t just disappear into the woodwork. Yes not seeing them will make it easier, and that time apart is essential to getting over someone. But the problems won’t magically fly into the heavens just because you’re boycotting another human being. Especially if some of those problems are self provoked. And just because with some ex’s you’re friends, doesn’t mean with all ex’s you can be friends.

I believe that everything in life is a matter of perspective, a case by case, person by person, there isn’t one solution, one answer. Life would be much simpler if it were.

All hail the mighty gray confusing area! Hear hear!

This topic occurred to me because I recently saw my ex for the first time in a month. I was expecting extreme awkwardness, spitefulness, sadness, tension, reigniting of feelings. You know, at least one of the above. What happened was different. It was comfortable. Almost like it was when we were together just without physical contact. What it made me miss wasn’t my ex-lover, it was my friend. I miss my friend. It’s a shame that sexual tension lingers around long after we want it to. We both want to be friends but life makes that a little more complicated. We basically have to start over as friends. I assume we’ll follow the typical Washingtonian formula for friendship: chat over coffee. Yep, that’s pretty much it. Coffee is the Washingtonian way of mingling. Going to a bar is to date like, or it might set higher expectations. Coffee is chill, relaxed, and homey.

I really wish befriending ex’s was simpler. I figure there are a select few elements which every ex-couple should consider: why do we want to be friends?, are we sure we can be platonic?, is the history too painful?, were we ever friends in the first place?