Of Awkward Ex Encounters

Ex Couple

Click image to view source.

Okay, so we all have ex’s. Or at least, most of us do.

  • With some, the relationship ended amicably and you remain close buds.
  • With others, the end was so dramatic that seeing their face still brings extreme sadness to your soul.
  • With a select few, there’s no emotional pull at all. Being around them is akin to standing in a room of strangers. Just this stranger, you happen to have been intimate with momentarily.
  • With most, one of you is more hurt than the other, more attached, more likely to sit there and pine over the thought of, “What if?” A very dangerous question, mind you.

Everyone has ex stories, and I would love to hear all of them. Seriously, post them in the comment section, I will read each and every tale of lost love. I don’t care if you wish to share a story from when you were together or after you parted – I just love a good story, Hell, I even love a bad story on occasion.

Here, I’ll go first:

Recently the only man I’ve ever dated contacted me. And I think it’s important to clarify that we broke up over two years ago. That we were not a happy couple. Also, that I can’t remember the last time we had a conversation.

Anyways …

The situation was the sort of predicament that everyone wants to avoid – a former lover declaring that they miss them and want them back. And then, to inform you that they can’t afford to eat because they call out of work in efforts to avoid you.

Seriously? Don’t blame me for your hunger. 

Little is more uncomfortable than having someone you’d rather not talk with, cry about you over the phone.

But I was very polite, making grand statements like, “I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do to make you feel better.”

Then I got a handful of text messages. Granted it’s not seventy messages in two days like a different situation of mine (but that’s a whole different story – if you want to hear it, please let me know).

The first basically said, “What if I stop picking my fingernails?” – Huh? I don’t remember that being a problem.

The second asked me to think about what I’d done. Said, “It was nice to hear your voice the way that I remember it,” and urged me to take a couple of days to get back to him with why we can’t be together – Yeah, I’m not gonna do that. I think it’s VERY VERY obvious why I don’t want to date you again.

And the last accused me of rudely texting him in Spanish – I don’t even know Spanish. 

So there’s my most recent story. While my current dating life is quite stale, so much so that it’s borderline pathetic. It seems my past wanted to stir up the unwanted drama in my life.

Which is just … annoying.

Okay, now would you be so kind as to tell me a story?

Of Dating Life

Girls Kiss

Click image to view source.

I’ve found that I’m an absolutely terrible dater. And hardly, if anyone, ever tries to argue this fact. If somehow I magically end up going on a date I usually end up ruining everything by date three – that is, if I reach date three. Typically I’ll just back out and suddenly stop responding to any form of communication. And by the third time I don’t respond, the girl usually stops trying to contact me. It’s over. The truth is I’m not scared of commitment, if I’m with someone I stick around, no matter how stupid or incompatible we may become. But starting something is scary, largely because of the whole being vulnerable business that I don’t particularly care for. So I figure, if we’ve only been on a handful of dates, do we really need the break up conversation?

Meeting people is weird. I don’t pay much attention to my surroundings, so I don’t generally notice if someone is actually interested in me. Unless you’re creepy. If you’re creepy I will notice, and I will do my very best to not be anywhere near you. I’ve been told that I don’t give off a gay-vibe. Straight and gay people alike have told me this, and I can’t really do much to change that. I’ve always kept my emotions private – so I guess that makes me hard to read. I like to think that once people get to know me they see the reality of my situation. However, that doesn’t help me on the meeting people, phase of life.

If I wanted to meet men that’d be easy. Men hit on me all the time, and they are not shy about it. But women are more reserved, and I’m always surrounded by straight chicks. So since I don’t look to any extent dyky, girls assume I’m also straight until I say otherwise. It’s dreadfully annoying. I simply don’t know how to meet people.

So I tried online, and this is what I found:

  • With online conversations people edit everything, so nothing sounds genuine. 
  • You’ll talk to someone for a couple of days or weeks and then never meet.
  • Or you’ll meet up and it will be super awkward or boring.
  • 90% of those that reach out to me I’m not attracted to.

To put it shortly, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. The only thing I can figure is I need to change up my norm. Venture to places I don’t often go, introduce myself to strangers, make the first move. But I like my ways, I like my friends, and I don’t like making the first move. Ah, what a standstill I lead.

Of “Natural” Yearnings

Love Equality

Click image to view source.

Sometimes I’ve found that when people don’t share someone’s sexuality they respond with, “It’s just not natural.” Oye! Why is this still a statement in our society? I’ve come to the realization that those that respond with claims of it’s unnatural simply lack the ability to think outside the binary that they’ve lodged themselves into. For society loves to define people with binaries, and in terms of sexuality there’s only two options: gay or straight. With straight being the “better” of the two boxes. Thus, how could a human even consider making the gay choice? As if a choice was there to be made. Honestly, why would anyone choose the route of prejudice and oppression – that’s just nonsense. However, they can choose to cave into the pressures of their surroundings and deny who they are.

We have gotten better as a human race. Tolerance, acceptance, and equality is where we’re headed – some of us faster than others. Someone’s gaiety is no longer the great scandal it used to be, course, that might not be true depending on where you live. I’m fortunate to live in a liberal part of the country, where my gayness is accepted and not seen as a big ordeal to most people. I feel completely comfortable being who I am around my friends, a luxury that I’m aware not everyone has.

But there’s still people out there who would not be as accepting. Like the ignorant fellow who posted this picture to his blog with the caption declaring that nature demonstrates how homosexuality is not natural or fruitful (I’m paraphrasing):

Homophobic Cartoon

 

I saw this and immediately rolled my eyes. Seriously? You’re defining what’s natural with electronics? How are electronics natural? That makes about much sense as portraits of white Jesus, even though he lived in the Middle East, I guarantee he was not white. Or saying that peanut butter and chocolate are not compatible because they taste different. It’s silly.

For one, electronics are man-made. Two, going along with the plug-in example, I think it’s only fair to point out that there are other electronics that make EVERYTHING in that cartoon compatible – haven’t you ever ran out of outlets while setting up Christmas lights and had to find a way to make the ‘non-compatible’ plug ends work together? Hell, by this logic an extension cord is promoting polygamy.  A sexuality that I’m assuming anyone who agrees with the comic also finds unnatural.

But I still don’t feel the need to insult you. If the blogger who posted that happens to read this, I’m not trying to Internet bully you, your photo was simply the perfect illustration for something I’ve been meaning to write for several months. I think that you’re allowed to believe what you want to believe – I just wish that didn’t have to include insulting people who are different from you, I wish homophobia was a ghost story told around a campfire. I understand the mindset of those that find homosexuality unnatural, for I was raised to believe the same thing. It’s simple – you don’t understand it, and you were taught it was wrong – thus it must be so. If only life were that straightforward.

Here’s what I think about the word natural. Almost everyone is using it wrong. Take for instance polygamous relationships. I’m not polygamous, and I was talking to another non-polygamous friend about multiple partner relationships.

She stated, “It doesn’t seem natural, I can’t imagine being willing to share my boyfriend with someone else.”

I responded, “It’s not natural for you, that doesn’t make it an unnatural act. It’s just not meant for you. But for someone else, it’s completely natural and makes them happy. So natural in fact, that they can’t imagine living any other way. Just like any other sexuality. It’s not about what is and isn’t natural – it’s what natural for you.”

In my opinion, that’s where the heart of all these debates about what’s right and wrong, natural and unnatural, come from. People have a hard time understanding that unnatural for them does not mean unnatural for everyone. The world isn’t that black and white. There’s not two boxes. With one box being superior, and the other a bunch of lost souls, doomed to live a life of darkness and sorrow.

There’s actually no boxes at all – there are people – a wonderful and diverse crowd of fellow humans. We should embrace our differences. After all, God made us all in His image right? Maybe there’s more to God than what’s just in the Bible. Or maybe, we got His message confused. After all, the word of God was penned by man.

To quote The L Word, “If God hates us, then why are we all so sexy?”

Love is Love

Click image to view source.

Of a Single Lady Lover

Santana and Britney Dancing Gif

Click image to view source.

Normally I’m the type that avoids romance like it was a steaming cup of gasoline being poured down my throat. I’ve dated a bit, been in one actual relationship, and several of those we-act-like-we’re-dating-but-we’re-not-together situations. I don’t come from a family that prizes emotions. We praise wit, humor, apathy, and intelligence – emotional needs (and heaven forbid crying) are considered weakness.

But I’m just gonna say it, I want a girlfriend. It’s true. I’m not a detached zombie, I’m a human being damn it, and humans tend to long for all that cheesy bullshit they see in romantic comedies. I’m no different in that aspect, my issue is that I’m so accustomed to pushing away feelings that I don’t have the slightest idea how to begin a relationship.

I spend most my time with my co-workers or dancing buddies, all of whom I love dearly, all of whom are straight, and all of whom do not attract me in the ‘romantic’ sort of way. I don’t have very many gay friends anymore, considering that they are all spread out across the country, coast to coast … literally.

But my biggest problem is that I have a faulty gaydar, and secondly that no one thinks I’m gay. Even when I talk about women, wear rainbows, or make jokes, they are still surprised when at some point in a conversation I actually say the word. I’ve accepted that coming out will be a never-ending process. I need to learn how to actually meet someone, a dancer if possible, but a sense of humor is a must – I have no interest in dating anymore incredibly serious people.

So yeah, I want a girlfriend, but meeting someone and then having the guts to actually go for it – are two events that probably won’t occur in my near future.

If anyone has awesome tips, I’m listening.

Of Sex, Driving, and Shaving

Freeway

Click image to view source

Warning: this will not be my classiest post of all time. Please forgive me.

I tend to have weird and very detailed dreams. In the past they weren’t what I would call happy, quite the opposite in fact, but the last thing I want to do is scare you. And usually when I write down my dreams they come out to be at least five pages long with steady themes, recurring characters, and metaphors. Apparently my subconscious is deep. Hella deep.

But for the past three nights this is all I remember: sex, driving, and shaving.

I understand the reason for the recurring things in my head:

  1. Like all humans, I like sex. Shocking I know, how dare anyone enjoy what’s meant to be enjoyed. Crazy as it may seem, liking sex doesn’t mean I’m sleeping around – that would be highly out of character for me.
  2. I can drive for days, in fact I would be a great trucker, but sadly I don’t fit the flannel stereotype.
  3. And I’ve always been obsessed with shaving. I love having smooth legs and armpits. I shave everyday (every other if I’m feeling lazy).

In my dreams, I don’t know if these things were happening simultaneously, who I was with, or where I was. All I remember is those three things occurred – for the past three nights. Clearly my sleepy subconscious is crying out in desperate need but my awake mind is too focused on the details of day-to-day life to give it any attention.

Now, I mentioned this to a couple of my friends and we instantly started trying to decipher if this would even be possible. Not each individual act, that would be silly, but all three: sex, driving, and shaving – all at the same time.

Throughout my conversations many questions were raised that I simply could not answer without remembering more of my dreams. What kind of car? Where are they shaving? Who is shaving? Are they shaving themselves or the other person? What kind of sex? Straight or gay sex? How fast are they driving?

The general consensus was yes, it would technically be possible but so incredibly dangerous. Possibly the most dangerous thing ever, especially if the road was icy. Then you’re just keeping yourself, um, entertained, till you die.

Some people thought it would be easier for the hetero world, as the male would drive and shave whilst the girl does all the work on top. My issue with that is safety, they are quite clearly doomed as the male would have terrible vision.

Other’s thought the homo world would be easier, as they would do hand things while one drives and the other shaves. Technically the heteros could do that as well but the pleasure would not be mutual for both parties – course, I’m not a male (gay or straight) my opinions not particularly valid in judging this particular category.

My standpoint is that no one should ever do this. EVER! It’s a terrible idea, if by some miracle you don’t die, it will be unbelievably awkward when you reach that stoplight. Or get pulled over by the police, for swerving and failing to maintain the speed limit.

So yeah, please don’t do this.

But if you do, safety first. Make sure the driver can see the road. I don’t know why the shaving can’t wait until the car’s pulled over but I pray the passenger is doing that job. And for the life of me I can’t grasp why the physical needs are so overwhelming that you would be willing to behave like this. But if you absolutely must, be creative, don’t share the seat.

When I jokingly asked my friend if I should blog about this she said, “Yes. Definitely yes. We need more opinions.” And upon more discussions with other friends I got a similar and down right giddy response.

Thus, If you feel bold enough to voice an opinion about the reality of this dream scenario then feel free to make a comment. If you’re shy and don’t want to, I totally understand.

Of the Female Friendship Ladder

Friends

Click image to view source.

In the female world, whether you happen to be gay or straight, there is a ladder of friendship. I’ve chosen the 10 most frequent (at least in my life experience) types of friend to encounter. We lesbians just happen to have the extra “girlfriend” or in my case “love interest who ended up being either straight or taken” that gets tacked on the top of the chart in the same place where “boyfriend” would be for the straight community.With men there’s only three levels (Can’t stand you, you’re okay, or we’re buds), that’s it! Of course with females we’ve made it more complex and challenging with layers and rules.

  1. “Absolute Bitch.” This is the girl that makes your skin crawl. When she enters a room you sigh in disgust and immediately start whining to your friends. Should she so dare as chew gum or eat a banana in your presence you shiver in annoyance, how dare she eat like that? Didn’t she ever learn how to chew? This hatred is not without reason, maybe she insulted someone you care about or slept with your partner. Maybe she’s just mean to everyone and has no regard for humanity. The point is, you can’t stand even the sound of her name being called.
  2. “Resident Annoyance.” You don’t particularly like this girl but you can’t seem to get rid of her. Typically these people latch onto you in the work environment or during a class. She’s like the lice you got in third grade – you can’t get rid of her until you isolate yourself and go through an uncomfortable treatment (or get a new job).
  3. “Friend of a Friend.” If there’s going to be jealousy or awkwardness within a friendship, this girl is the reason. She’ll show up for a weekend to visit your friend. If she’s awesome and you all click – consider yourself lucky. Most the time there are lots of uncomfortable conversations. The natural cadence of your social circle treading water as this new person has a different rhythm. Still you smile politely, carry on conversation, and probably actually like the girl. But seeing as she’ll be gone in a matter of days there’s no point in developing a deep bond.
  4.  “Acquaintance.” You met this girl once, you got along great, and you friended her on Facebook. The catch is that you know nothing about her and you see her, on average, every other month at a party.
  5. “Class/Work Friend.” You love this girl (in a strictly platonic way), the laughs shared between the two of you seem to be endless. Only you’ve never seen her outside of the classroom or work place. Regardless, you know the details of her weekend, life, and opinions. In theory you two would get along great chatting over a cup of coffee, odds are you’ll never find out.
  6. “Distant Friend.” You two have known each other since you were wee tots, but as you developed into women you grew apart. Even so, there’s still a connection and catching up often turns in a “Hey, remember when?” session.
  7. “Instant Friend.” These are rare, but spectacular. Remember in elementary school how you would meet a classmate during recess and within five minutes you were best friends? This is the adult version of that. Somehow you and this girl cross paths maybe at a party, bar, work, club, school, dance, etc. And something clicks, for a moment you’re back in kindergarten and this girl is officially one of your favorite people. You just know you’ll be friends with her till your both gray haired and wrinkly. Instant friends quickly jump ahead to a deeper level of friendship.
  8. “Dear Friend.” Over the years you two have become incredibly close. This is the level of friendship where frequent phone calls and impromptu visits (or adventures) begin. For some reason amongst women there’s unwritten rules about who you can call, ask to hang out, and how often. Should you break these laws you will be considered a creeper or rudely invading their space. With a Dear Friend you don’t have to worry about such nonsense.
  9. “Best Friend.” Back in kindergarten you were only allowed one, as a teenager you struggled defining the term and balancing multiple friends while deciding who was truly your best. Now that you’re an adult you’ve learned the secret – you can have more than one best friend. I’d say you can have up to 5 before you come across as greedy or delusional. This is the girl you can count on to answer your phone calls at 3am, drive to pick you up no matter where you are, let you cry on their shoulder, and still love you after you’ve drunkenly thrown up (even if the puke got in their hair).
  10. “Sister.” This girl surpasses the ladder of friendship – you have known her literally since you were able to remember. She is immersed in your life so deeply that the family even considers her an adopted member. My Sister has gone to family functions when I was unable to attend, is included in family portraits, and is beloved by everyone (except my grandmother, but that’s a different story). Think back to the episode of Boy Meets World when Mr. Matthews is in the hospital. I don’t remember why he’s in the hospital, only that it was sad and everyone was worried. But I do remember that the family waited for hours and when the doctor came up to them he wouldn’t let Shawn in to visit. “Sorry, family only.” The doctor said. Mr. Matthew’s walked up behind the doctor and said, “He is family.” And the doctor let him through the doors. That’s what a Sister is – she’s not a just a friend, she’s your personal Shawn Hunter.

Of Them Lipsticks

Hello, my name is Sarah, I'm a human.

I always hear lipstick lesbians whine about people’s idiocy in assuming they are straight. They receive comments such as:

  •  “You’re gay? But you’re so pretty!”

And the ever classic.

  • “You could get a man if you wanted to.”

And of course the always appreciated.

  • “You just haven’t met the right man yet.”

And lastly (said by men).

  • “Sleep with me I’ll make you straight.”

Personally I’ve never encountered such remarks. Course, I also don’t walk around broadcasting my gaiety, plus I’m truthful with most that if a man happened to sweep me off my feet all Disney Princess style, then I would happily be with him (I guess that makes me pansexual – yes, that is a thing). Granted I do have rainbow earrings and a necklace, I also have a pin on my backpack, but honestly that’s about it. I figure, ah hell, if I were straight I wouldn’t have to say: “Hello, my name is Sarah, I’m a heterosexual.” I figure the opposite should really be true and thus I abide by the cliché live and let be.

Not long ago I did get my first “wait what?” remark. Honestly part of me was immensely thrilled in the same way I was when I got my first troll comment on this here blog. She didn’t mean anything by it, clearly she was delusional enough to think that lesbians only have short hair, dress like Ellen DeGeneres, and play rugby. To think that the girl with long crazy hair, rocking a floral dress, and saltwater sandals had something in common with the “ugly” dykes she saw holding hands and making out in the corner was unthinkable.

Apparently one of her friends occasionally makes out with their – not her’s – les friend (the story was  longer than that, but honestly it was a boring typical drunken college heteroflexible charade).

“I just don’t understand lesbians,” she said.

“I’m a lesbian,” I said. I wasn’t offended, I just found the whole conversation funny. That sparked a severe case of what I refer of Triple S – Silly Sorry Syndrome – basically unnecessary apologizes that go on repeatedly for far too long. And the guys would try to get me to make out with other chicks – that I do find annoying – I don’t want people to experiment on me for the sake of attracting men.

Ultimately her last comment was, “At least you’re a cute lesbian.”

Haha, good to know.

Of Curly Hair Strife

Comb Curly Hair

Click image to view source

The curly-haired society is deprived of a simple joy – brushing your hair. As a child, your mom brushes your hair, and it brings you closer. As an adult, you brush your hair, and it is going to turn into the world’s largest frizball, lifeless mess, or gross fro to ever exist. This is why very few, and I stress few, curly-haired folk comb their hair.

When the subject of combing hair comes up I’ve had straight-haired  folk actually be stunned that I don’t take a brush to my head often.

“It’s not healthy!” they’ll stress, convinced my roots are super unhealthy.

“Really?” they’ll question, confused that I don’t worry about knots or rat nests.

“Lucky,” they’ll remark, jealous that I don’t have to deal with a hairbrush when getting ready.

I know people who don’t even own a brush. Personally, I have a brush, only one – a fold up pocket/mirror brush I got in Florida at Ron Jon’s Surf Shop. At my parents I had a shower comb that I would sometimes use to get knots out, I rarely actually brush my hair.

The other day, I got out of the shower, and decided to bust out my one and only hair combing device for the first time in I don’t even know how long. The little plastic nubs grazed my scalp. It was miraculous, like angels were massaging my brain. I swear the world stood still, an off stage chorus boomed as the lights dimmed to find me in a spotlight, center stage. I had no idea that this pleasure even existed. It was like my roots just fell in love and joy swept over my hair.

Naturally, my hair did not look as good as it normally does when I normally fix it. It was dull and lifeless, thus requiring clips to give the illusion of body.

My hair is not magical like my besty Erin’s, whose hair looks perfect no matter what she does with it, even if I shower at night I have to wet my hair in the morning because it is finicky. But with this new-found discovery of sex for my scalp, on those nights some serious brushing is going to occur. I’ll take my sweet time.

Of Binaries and Bisexuality

Girls Holding Hands in a Field

Click image to view source

Society loves to clear things up for us “simple folk” by structuring life into distinctive binaries. Little caves that we can choose, or are chosen, for us to live in. You are a man or a woman (sorry transgender and hermaphrodites, you’re not mentioned). Black or white (never mind the various shades out there). Rich or poor (middle class? Nonsense). Educated, non-educated. Fat, skinny. Pretty, ugly. Conservative, liberal. Historically, there is typically a “better” side of the binary. Skinny people are better than fat. Men are better than women. Educated people are better than non-educated. The Earth is flat. And we are surrounded by ignorant fools.

Cue my personal binary: Gay, straight.

Dick or pussy.

Penis versus vagina.

Throbbing membrane in a battle against the wet snatch.

So, I have to choose?

My history of intimacy with a man would label me as straight. I’ve only been with one person, a man. I’ve seen penis. Stroked penis. Ridden penis. Sucked penis. And I enjoyed myself. Obviously, I want the cock, clearly there is no other option right? Wrong. There are ways to work around not actually having a penis nearby. My vibrator for example, a wondrous little thing, though admittedly, I want a bigger one. And oral, is simply fantastic. I’ve never been the boy crazy type, I cannot relate to the gasp that occurs when a sexy man enters the room, unless he’s exceptionally pretty. Where I live there’s mostly dirty hippies and hipsters, there are very few gorgeous men.

Then there’s my undeniable attraction to women. Women are beautiful. And I’m not talking in just a “Aw she’s pretty,” or “I love her dress,” or “Her hair is epic.” I’m talking about a sexual attraction to women. Over time this is becoming more and more apparent to me and I would really like to experience what I’m feeling. Problem is, I’m a bad gay, I have no experience in this department beyond making out with friends at parties. And all my friends are straight, bi with boyfriends, or lesbians that are my best friends and I would never consider dating. But, oh, I would love to meet someone. A hot blond perhaps, I’ve always had a thing for blonds.

There in lies the gray area. The almighty, I DON’T FIT WITHIN YOUR SOCIETY BOUNDARIES. The WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ONE OR THE OTHER? The world is not black and white. The world is various shades of gray. Gloria Anzaldua wrote an essay on binaries, discussing how the margins and in between areas (what she calls the neplantla) is where the power is, where your perspective changes. People are commonly attached to their binaries and fear the in between because those people challenge or make them uncomfortable. They now have power, they dare to defy the system.

It’s silly to think that everyone is going to conform to such simplified concepts and choices. It’s ridiculous that everyone has to be thrown into a label, that we can’t just be ourselves and it’s okay. That I can’t just be Sarah. I have to either be, Sarah the rebel child, or Sarah the angelic pastor’s kid. I have to be straight or gay. I can’t be somewhere in the middle of the sexuality prism spectrum, or more simply put, a sexual human being. That my gay side might not exist because I haven’t actually had sex with a woman. Do I have to be with a man to be straight? Or a woman to be gay? So why do I have to have experience with both to make my bisexuality legitimate?