Of Boobs on Slides

Pink Swimsuit

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I mentioned recently that I was going to a water park, Wild Waves to be more specific. It was awesome – rollercoaster’s and water slides? – yes! And wow, were there a lot of boobs hanging out – I swear I wasn’t just staring at chests all day, I was preoccupied with rides.

Still, a girl notices these things.

Now don’t be mislead, I love boobs, they’re awesome, soft, and sexy. I’m all for a lady rocking some tasteful cleavage (but if your nipple resides barely below the top of your shirt, I’d say you’re showing too much). Let’s avoid being trashy, okay? I’m not normally one to insult someone for showing off their skin. If a woman is confident and comfortable in her body then I’m all for her putting it on display. But there’s a limit.

At the park I saw a lot of boobs that were barely strapped in, with each step they’d jiggle to the point where I became concerned about what should happen if those ladies go on a slide. Sometimes the twins appeared crooked in a cheap swimsuit. A lot of people fashioned themselves in trendy suits that only look good on models and did nothing but make them appear oddly shaped. One lady had chapstick that she attempted to hide under one boob, yeah, it didn’t work. Despite that there were some attractive people, and in turn breasts, at the park. The overwhelming amount of awkward, saggy, over-tanned, wrinkly, and too big for their swimsuits – outrageously overpowered the pretty people.

Most horrifying of all was three girls (I’m going to guess thirteen at oldest) that we had to stand behind in line for 20 minutes. One girl had on a normal two-piece swimsuit. The second girl had a thin black bikini that was a little to big for her (but she was covered). The third girl is the one that my friends and I began whispering about. She had on one of those tub top swimsuits. I get it, no tan lines. Girl three was either excited to show off her skin or she was unaware what she was showing. She had some serious underboob going on. Meaning the spot below the breast where bras and swimsuits usually make contact didn’t exist. Instead we got a not so lovely eye full of a solid centimeter of under boob on a future slutty girl. It was disgusting. Under boob cleavage is not a thing, nor will it ever be a thing, unless we stop wearing normal length shirts.

Sadly that was not my only encounter with under boob. But it was the most appalling considering their age.

Here’s the lesson:

  • Upper boob or cleavage (acceptable, if tasteful).
  • Side boob (depends on outfit and body type).
  • Under boob (never okay).

Of Swimsuit Shopping

Kate Upton Sports Illustrated

Honey, I think you need a bigger size. (Click image to view source).

The last time I went swimsuit shopping, like I need to find a suit pronto style, was back in high school. I’m going to guess I was eighteen (I’m currently twenty-three, you do the math). I bought a basic blue two piece for probably about $24. The next swimsuit I acquired was on a whim. I was twenty-years-old and it was on sale for $3, that’s right, I bought a decent string bikini for three bucks. That’s a steal if I’ve ever seen one.

This evening I ventured out in search of a swimsuit for my day at Wild Waves tomorrow. Purely because I was too lazy to make the 25 minute drive from my parents house to my apartment. I thought, it might be kind of nice to have a new suit. No longer interested in that itsy-bitsy-teenie-weenie-yellow-polka-dot-bikini, I wanted something old-fashioned and classy. Ideally like something you might see in a movie from the 1950s.

50s Swimsui

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I had a shocking revelation. Swimsuits are expensive!!!

Even the shitty ones made of thin nearly see through fabrics and cover maybe three inches of skin. The average swimsuit (regardless of quality) seems to cost about $40. I couldn’t believe it, for a moment I thought about backing out of the day trip tomorrow. I also debated forking out the $20 in gas that it would take to get to my apartment and back. If my mom hadn’t been with me I probably would have backed down, fearful of the expensive prices.

I tried on several suits. What I found is that swimsuit bottoms are incredibly lame. Most of the tops I tried on were cute, but paired with a bottom I instantly looked wide and disproportionate. No wonder women feel insecure about their bodies – all the swimsuits are designed to make us look awkward. I blame the current obsession with showing as much skin as possible at the beach. It’s made for the unfortunate truth that the bottoms don’t rise to a natural place on the body. They end up being somewhere between crotch level and the hip. If they actually reached the hip (or even the waist if the brand was going for the vintage look) I guarantee girls would look prettier in swimsuits.

There was one I did love though. It was pink and rather dress-like. I was almost hesitant to try it on because I knew my friends would get a kick out of me walking around in a swim dress. But you know what? It’s adorable. I looked sexier in this despite that it’s a very modest piece of swimwear – sorry folks, but my ass will not be hanging out for you to gawk at. I felt classic, like I was living in a different time. Who cares if I’ll be the only one in a swim dress. Since when has something like that stopped me? (Um, actually it last stopped me in 2007, fyi). Here, I’ll put a picture below:

Pink Swim Dress

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After much panicking over the cost, and my mom convincing me that it’s actually a good price for a nice quality suit, I ended up spending $50 dollars. To make things better my mom bought me an awesome floppy sun hat, which I fully intend to wear.

For $10 more than it would cost me to get a bikini – I’ll be a classy broad at the water park.