Of It Follows (Movie Review)

When I first saw the trailer for It Follows I thought, “STDs! The horror film!”

It looked like every other horror film out there, pretty girl, vicious monster, and some sort of torment. But then when the film came out it was getting praised by film critics and bloggers. And even the trolls of the Internet were all like, “YES! This is the best horror film in a decade. Huzzah!” Currently on Rotten Tomatoes the critics have given the film a score of 96%. For a horror film, that’s insane. It Follows has a higher score than most Oscar nominated films. It has a higher score than The Avengers, Forrest Gump, The Dark Knight,  A Single Man, Despicable Me, and Guardians of the Galaxy. #ridiculous

So naturally my curiosity peaked, what about this indie horror flick has everyone talking? But when I left the theater, I was baffled, baffled as to why the Internet is in love with this thing.

On a scale from 1-5 I’d give this film a 2. I would’ve given it a 3 but it literally has the worst film score of all time. The music is repetitive and I swear it was made on a cheap 66-key keyboard like the one Ross played on F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

The dialogue was also terrible with weird pauses in the conversations, but it was really the music that killed me. It all sounded like this:

  • Boom
  • Silence
  • Boom
  • Synthesizers
  • Boom
  • Boom
  • Louder Synthesizers
  • Boom
  • Boom
  • Annoying loud Synthesizers and Strings
  • Silence

There will be spoilers up ahead, so if your heart was set on watching this movie you may want to look away now.

The overall idea of the film was good, a shape shifting demon-like thing is going to be constantly walking straight at you until you pass it on by having sex with someone else. But, if whoever you pass it onto gets killed by said mysterious thing it’ll start in your direction again. Cool, I can accept that as a plausible horror film story line, I can even accept that as a marginally original idea for a horror film, but I can’t accept that anyone would ever get caught by this thing – it moves crazy slow.

Seriously, it’s so slow that when it was in the kitchen with the main girl, she was able to stand there panicking for a good minute as it inched towards her before she finally decided to run. And where does she run? Upstairs! Idiot.

Realistically this thing shouldn’t even be around anymore, considering that there had to have been a 1st person that it followed at some point in time. Within the first 3 people, 5 tops, it should’ve gone down the line and killed them all. Unless everyone happened to be promiscuous and it couldn’t keep up with the sexcapades. But even then, how did the first person know about it? Were they cursed by someone and promptly informed?

I will give the film makers credit in that they accomplished their goal of slow anticipation. But once the initial shock wore off the anticipation became annoying. Over half the movie is of them driving away from the thing and then hanging out until it catches up to them. Personally, if I knew that a mysterious thing was following me. If I knew it was trying to kill me. And if I knew that it was always walking the speed of a snail. Then I would drive further than 30 minutes away. Shoot, I would drive to the airport, hop on a plane, and spend some time in Europe. It’s gonna take a long time for it to get across the Pacific Ocean.

I would also try to discover the origins of the thing to see if I could end the curse. Even if I wasn’t successful, at least I tried. These kids didn’t do anything, they just kept running away and then came up with the worst plan of all time.

But here’s the quick list of what’s wrong with the film:

  • The main girl has no respect for her cast whatsoever and goes swimming with it. Yes, I get that she’s being followed … but still.
  • Am I supposed to believe that if a girl with a broken arm swam up to three dudes hanging out on a boat that one of them would sleep with her? What about the other two? Are they watching? Did they jump in the water?
  • They know they can’t kill it with a gun, but they still keep trying to shoot it.
  • They take all this time to set up an elaborate scheme to electrocute it to death, and they don’t even turn on the power because they think it left the pool. But it couldn’t have gone anywhere since it’s clearly corporeal due to the fact that they can touch it. And it’s supposed to be walking everywhere, which implies that it can’t teleport itself out of there. Furthermore, electrocuting it obviously wouldn’t work considering a bullet to the head didn’t take it down.
  • The first guy that she sleeps with after she gets the curse clearly didn’t believe her that it was a STD-like thing, so he was just using her to get laid.
  • Why is it almost always naked?
  • It brutally mutated the girl in the opening shot and it went straight for the throat of the guy she slept with. So naturally when it approaches the main girl from behind it just lifts up her hair instead of snapping her neck.
  • Why was it peeing itself in the kitchen? That was gross.
  • What time period is this?! They use home phones and dress 70s, but one of the characters has this shell touch screen electronic reader thing that she’s constantly staring at.

 

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Of Vampire Lungs

Spike

Click image to view source.

We all know that vampires don’t need to breathe to live, yet in every movie and TV show I’ve ever seen they’re breathing. Sometimes even heavily. Which begs the question, why? I mean, I know that they are played by humans and it’d be irrational to force someone to hold their breath the entire scene – but still.

Is it a muscle memory thing?

That could make sense, like when you’re used to taking the same route to work everyday so you accidentally make a wrong turn when headed somewhere different. And breathing is something that you do from day 1 second 1 – so I could see how you would do that habitually even if it wasn’t necessary.

Is it to blend in or even feel human?

It’s possible. I mean, if someone was not breathing I’d hope that I’d be savvy enough to notice. Although most vampires don’t have souls, so they would shudder at the thought of feeling human. But perhaps they would force some air in and out to blend amongst prey.

To speak?

This is the most likely, have you ever tried to talk with no air in your lungs – it’s pretty much impossible. So unless they want to run around mute, they’d have to breathe in order to speak.

Although since their hearts don’t beat it’s not that farfetched of an idea to think that their lungs wouldn’t be able to expand. But if they do expand, they probably just push the air right back out without taking any of the nutrients that our human bodies would process. But then I ask, why the seemingly random bodily functions? Their lungs can apparently expand, but their hearts don’t beat. They sleep, but I’ve never heard of a vampire going to the bathroom. And if they eat food, what then? Can their dead bodies digest anything besides blood? And since their hearts don’t beat what makes the blood flow through their veins? Does the intake of new blood move around the old blood or does it just sit stagnant in their bodies? However they start to get weak if they don’t drink, which implies that somehow their bodies feed off the blood for energy. Or perhaps blood is like water, and they start to crumble if they get thirsty because of dehydration.

And if you start comparing classic to modern vampires, well that gets even more complicated ….