Of Always the Entertainer

“Let me entertain you, let me make you smile.” – Gypsy, Stephen Sondheim

Nicolas Cafe Valentine

Click image to view source

Valentine’s Day is the ultimate holiday of emotional abuse – at least, commercially. It’s the day that puts extreme pressure on those in a relationship whilst beating up the singletons with an emotional whip. No matter where you are in your love life – Valentine’s Day is gonna get you. It’s essentially the sniper of holidays.

As a single person, there are two types of advertisements that are geared in my direction:

  1. You are a strong independent female, you don’t need a man, not like those other weak girls with boyfriends. Pssh! Girl power!
  2. You are clearly desperate, lonely, and in need of some good lovin’. Here’s how to power through the day until your sad soul finds a man to make you complete.

The common thread here? Men are awful, BUT you kinda need one to be your best self. Not only do I not relate to these male focused ads because I’m a lesbian, but also because I disagree with HOW the men are supposed to function. They are either dooming the women, by making them be less than they are. Or they’ll rescuing the women, by pulling them out of their despair and into the light. Neither seems like a healthy start to a relationship, at least, not to me.

Here’s what I want in a partner: someone who will put on a show with me.
Silly, simple, and slightly nonsensical isn’t it?

I find that because I have a loud personality, a lot of the dates I go on feel like a performance. Which is not a fun feeling. I don’t enjoying having to interview someone in order to have a conversation.

In short, it often feels like this:

The women I’ve truly been smitten by have put on a show with me. The conversation flows easily and it’s clear that this person wouldn’t pull me down, nor life me up, they’d meet me in the middle.

Which, in my opinion, is how it should work. Of course people will have their ups and downs – that’s just common sense.¬†But if you’re gonna be with someone, they should be your equal. Not your savior or your baggage.

So to the currently yoked people.

  • Ignore the advertisements, you don’t need to spend a thousand dollars or whisk your partner away to paradise island. Just spend the evening together and dim the lights.

To the single people.

  • If you’re struggling, call your friends and celebrate yourselves. Bake something, play a game, build a fort, and just have fun.
  • If you’re not struggling, then you already know what to do. ūüôā

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Of the Female Friendship Ladder

Friends

Click image to view source.

In the female world, whether you happen to be gay or straight, there is a ladder of friendship. I’ve chosen the 10 most frequent (at least in my life experience) types of friend to encounter. We lesbians just happen to have the extra “girlfriend” or in my case “love interest who ended up being either straight or taken” that gets¬†tacked on the top of the chart in the same place where “boyfriend” would be for the straight community.With men there’s only three levels (Can’t stand you, you’re okay, or we’re buds), that’s it! Of course with females we’ve made it more complex and challenging with layers and rules.

  1. “Absolute Bitch.” This is the girl that makes your skin crawl. When she enters a room you sigh in disgust and immediately start whining to your friends. Should she so dare as chew gum or eat a banana in your presence you shiver in annoyance,¬†how dare she eat like that? Didn’t she ever learn how to chew?¬†This hatred is not without reason, maybe she insulted someone you care about or slept with your partner. Maybe she’s just mean to everyone and has no regard for humanity. The point is, you can’t stand even the sound of her name being called.
  2. “Resident Annoyance.” You don’t particularly like this girl but you can’t seem to get rid of her. Typically these people latch onto you in the work environment or during a class. She’s like the lice you got in third grade – you can’t get rid of her until you isolate yourself and go through an uncomfortable treatment (or get a new job).
  3. “Friend of a Friend.” If there’s going to be jealousy or awkwardness within a friendship, this girl is the reason. She’ll show up for a weekend to visit your friend. If she’s awesome and you all click – consider yourself lucky. Most the time there are lots of uncomfortable conversations. The natural cadence of your social circle treading water as this new person has a different¬†rhythm. Still you smile politely, carry on conversation, and probably actually like the girl. But seeing as she’ll be gone in a matter of days there’s no point in developing a deep bond.
  4. ¬†“Acquaintance.” You met this girl once, you got along great, and you friended her on Facebook. The catch is that you know nothing about her and you see her, on average, every other month at a party.
  5. “Class/Work Friend.” You love this girl (in a strictly platonic way), the laughs shared between the two of you seem to be endless. Only you’ve never seen her outside of the classroom or work place. Regardless, you know the details of her weekend, life, and opinions. In theory you two would get along great chatting over a cup of coffee, odds are you’ll never find out.
  6. “Distant Friend.” You two have known each other since you were wee tots, but as you developed into women you grew apart. Even so, there’s still a connection and¬†catching up often turns in a “Hey, remember when?” session.
  7. “Instant Friend.” These are rare, but spectacular. Remember in elementary school how you would meet a classmate during recess and within five minutes you were best friends? This is the adult version of that. Somehow you and this girl cross paths maybe at a party, bar, work, club, school, dance, etc. And something clicks, for a moment you’re back in kindergarten and this girl is officially one of your favorite people. You just know you’ll be friends with her till your both gray haired and wrinkly. Instant friends quickly jump ahead to a deeper level of friendship.
  8. “Dear Friend.” Over the years you two have become incredibly close. This is the level of friendship where frequent phone calls and impromptu visits (or adventures) begin. For some reason amongst women there’s unwritten rules about who you can call, ask to hang out, and how often. Should you break these laws you will be considered a creeper or rudely invading their space. With a Dear Friend you don’t have to worry about such nonsense.
  9. “Best Friend.” Back in kindergarten you were only allowed one, as a teenager you struggled defining the term and balancing multiple friends while deciding who was truly your best. Now that you’re an adult you’ve learned the secret – you can have more than one best friend. I’d say you can have up to 5 before you come across as greedy or delusional. This is the girl you can count on to answer your phone calls at 3am, drive to pick you up no matter where you are, let you cry on their shoulder, and still love you after you’ve drunkenly thrown up (even if the puke got in their hair).
  10. “Sister.” This girl surpasses the ladder of friendship – you have known her literally since you were able to remember. She is immersed in your life so deeply that the family even considers her an adopted member. My Sister has gone to family functions when I was unable to attend, is included in family portraits, and is beloved by everyone (except my grandmother, but that’s a different story). Think back to the episode of Boy Meets World when Mr. Matthews is in the hospital. I don’t remember why he’s in the¬†hospital, only that it was sad and everyone was worried. But I do remember that the family waited for hours and when the doctor came up to them he wouldn’t let Shawn in to visit. “Sorry, family only.” The doctor said. Mr. Matthew’s walked up behind the doctor and said, “He is family.” And the doctor let him through the doors.¬†That’s what a Sister is – she’s not a just a friend, she’s your personal Shawn Hunter.

Of One Two Many Babies

Babies

Click image to view source

ATTENTION SEXUALLY ACTIVE YOUNG ADULTS!!!

BIRTH CONTROL AND CONDOMS ARE NOT HARD TO USE.

IF YOU’RE POOR THERE IS FREE STUFF AROUND.

PROTECT YOURSELVES DAMN IT! NO EXCUSES.

Seriously people what’s the deal? Why are there so many babies around lately?

I graduated highschool in 2007 and I can think of several people that¬†I went to school with who have already started a family. Some of those people are younger than me. I keep on seeing prego pictures on Facebook. Wedding announcements for people who can’t even legally drink at their OWN reception. And I’ve heard tale of pregnancy scams amongst the townies.

I’m going to be twenty-two next month and I could not imagine having a kid right now. Not only am¬†I not in a relationship but I can barely afford my rent let alone the expenses of having a child. They are expensive! I have zero desire to take care of another human being who is completely dependent on me. Plus telling my family a kid was on the way would be like saying, “Hark hark! The world is ending!”

It’s one thing to be¬†careful and accidentally get pregnant, as¬†there is always a possibility¬†of having a baby unless one remains abstinent. It’s a whole different thing when people are not careful and get pregnant. A friend of mine told me the odds of getting pregnancy when not protected is something like one in¬†six.

What¬†skeeves¬†me most is that the hefty majority of the baby announcements come from those who are not in a stable relationship. By this I mean they’ve been dating for four months … maybe. And now they are going to be¬†parents?! This is not only¬†unfair to the unborn spawn, but it forces the couple into relationship territory that they shouldn’t be approaching for at least a year. A level of commitment that lasts¬†for …¬†well, as Kanye West said, “Eighteen years, eighteen years, she got one of yo’ kids, got you for eighteen years.”

Recently in my hometown there were crazy rumors. I was never tight with¬†the people involved¬†but I had a few¬†friends with direct access to what was going on.¬†A group of girls scammed a group of guys and all got “accidentally” pregnant at the exact same time. There is no way to confirm the intentions of the pregnant girls, but we’ve all made assumptions. The girls told the guys that they were on birth control, trusted the pull out method, they will get Plan B, and so on. Granted the guys were also stupid to completely trust them, but they wanted sex, so I’m guessing that’s why they didn’t more actively monitor their birth control. As far as I’m concerned planning a pregnancy and not telling the father especially¬†when¬†you’re not married or been together for years, is the shittiest¬†thing a person could do. It’s selfish and cruel to both the man involved and the child who will someday discover that they were conceived out of manipulation and scheming. Heartless bitches.

I swear some people should have to pass a test before they are allowed to reproduce.