Of Writer’s Hesitation

Typewriter

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I want to write. I long to sit at my 1940’s desk with a quill in my hand and compose beautiful words. Sadly, I’m not writing. I haven’t written a complete story since I graduated a couple of months ago. It’s not that I don’t have ideas fluttering around my head, it’s just that I’m not writing. It’s a shame – I’m a pretty good storyteller.

So why am I not writing?

I can’t say that it’s because of writers block, as I already confessed to having ideas. It’s not that I don’t have enough time, I work a crappy part-time job and get maybe 20 hours a week – I have more than enough time.

When I picture myself writing everything is very romanticized. Sitting at my desk for hours every morning with a cup of coffee steaming beside me. But whenever I am about to start writing that’s when I freeze up.

I think that part of me is afraid of the process. Delving deeper into my subconscious may reveal things about myself that I’m not willing to confront or perhaps don’t want shared with the world. I’ve always said that fiction tells readers more about the author than non-fiction. Non-fiction is easy, it’s a glimpse into the author’s life, and they get to control how everyone is portrayed and what you witness. Fiction is the subconscious, what they are really thinking, and how they process the world around them – their soul masked by layers of characters and scenery.

So yeah, maybe I’m fearful. And for the first time in my writing career I’m completely on my own, no teacher to hand out assignments, or internship set a deadline. The only thing to motivate my fingers to tap away at the keyboard is me. Me. Me. Me. And I gotta say, I suck at self motivation. Give me a deadline and I’ll get the work done, and damn it the paper will be good. But when left to my own devices I shy away from the real writing and hide in work that is less deep, less personal, and less substantial.

I need to write.

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Of a Belly Full of Worry

Worried Belly

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Some people carry their stress or emotions in their neck. Others their back. Their shoulders. Basically behind them.

I, and I assume I’m not alone in this, carry mine in my stomach. Which is super unfortunate. It means that whenever I’m stressed or emotional I get to feel like there’s a massive weight in my stomach, and constantly, but never actually, about to throw up. It’s terribly annoying.

I feel like this now. I have a huge paper to write by tomorrow on analyzing a short story from a marxist perspective. Something I really, I repeat REALLY, don’t want to do. Now I could have started working on this oh say last week, did I??? Nope, I waited until the day before the first draft was due. Thank God it’s the first draft and not the final product, otherwise I’d be sunk. I also have a research proposal due on Tuesday – something else I’ve yet to start that’s bound to be time-consuming.

I’m also feeling more hostile. And based off my recent rollercoaster emotional past, if I’m not careful I could easily slip into depressionland. A place I want to stay far FAR FAR away from. It’s no fun. The total opposite of kicks and giggles.

So why do I keep putting myself in this situation? Why do I constantly do ANYTHING else and avoid my to do list? Why do any of us do that? God damn you procrastination!! Whenever I think I’ve got you under control you always find a way to make my life harder. It’s ironic really – people procrastinate to avoid the hard work only to have to face it with twice sometimes thrice the pressure.

Was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer worth the belly ache?